I Tried And Ranked 11 Marie Callender's Frozen Pies From Worst To Best

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Pies are not limited to Thanksgiving and Christmas holidays anymore. The popularity of Pi Day has burst the borders of Geekdom so that it has become mainstream to gobble up pies in the name of math. They are a favorite potluck dessert and special finale to an elegant meal. And, they are a lot of work. Gone are the days when a homemade pie is superior to a store-bought one. The advances in flash-freezing technology, which have "opened the freezer door" for foods that previously did not freeze well, ensure that, after an overnight thaw or quick hour in the oven, a frozen pie can look and taste freshly-made.

As a general rule, the reputation of a frozen Marie Callender's pie wins over a grocery store brand pie, even though some of them have good reviews. Marie Callender's is the name for classic pies and creative flavors, so I sampled a good mix of both. My experience can be summed up in a classic  pastry tale which begins, "It was the best of pies, it was the worst of pies ..."

We begin at the bottom with a pumpkin that doesn't get the bibbity-bobbity-boo transformation that Cinderella's orange gourd does. This pumpkin stays a pumpkin and does not turn into a pie. A fairy tale pumpkin pie, the kind that is the mainstay of a royal feast, is a custard pie. Pumpkin purée adds flavor and density, but the pie should bake into a delicate, eggy, silky consistency. In contrast to that ideal texture, Marie Callender's Pumpkin Pie is thick and sticky mashed squash resting heavily in a baked flour crust. Now, if I were ranking squash casseroles, this would score high for its sweet, nutty flavor and smooth, dense texture. But, as a pie, it is starchy and difficult to swallow.

Another egregious error that further confuses the pie's identity is the lack of spices. Now, I know there are pumpkin spice haters who despise when anything and everything is infused with autumnal flavors for a few months each year, but surely they like pumpkin spices in an actual pumpkin pie. Without the help of cinnamon, nutmeg, and cloves, sugar is solely responsible for making this squash-based dessert appealing.

I did not want to finish eating this pie — luckily, I know how to turn lemons into lemonade, or rather, pumpkin pie filling into sweet muffins. But, next time, I'll skip the Marie Callender's frozen pumpkin pie, and opt for a cheaper, bigger, spicier, Costco pumpkin pie which, as it turns out, can be frozen.

There's no doubt about it — the second worst Marie Callender's frozen pie is the pits. The fruit to filling ratio is abysmal — many bites are just sweet filling oozing between two hard crusts. I feel like that indignant old lady in the classic Wendy's commercial demanding, "Where's the peach?!"  When you do get a bite of the fruit, it is disappointingly stringy, slimy, and oddly crunchy — not in a fresh-picked kind of way, but as in out-of-season, hard, and bland.

The pie bakes at 425 degrees for an hour so that the internal temperature reaches 165 degrees. These are the same baking instructions for all of Marie Callender's lattice-topped fruit pies, which are designed to vent the steam through the holes in the top crust. Understanding that the fruit filling gets hot enough to explode, I find it strange that the summer stone fruit does not soften as it simmers in that bubbling, hot sugar.

Ultimately, firm fruit and a thick crust combine into a jarringly crunchy slice of pie with an unimpressive flavor. With no cinnamon or other warm spices to add richness, the pie has a weak flavor akin to canned peaches in light syrup, but with an amplified, lingering aftertaste.

I've heard of Water Pie, a Depression-Era dessert and always wondered what it would taste like. After eating Marie Callender's Banana Cream Pie, I have a pretty good idea. Water Pie was made with water, sugar, flour, and butter, because ingredients like eggs and milk were scarce. Marie Callender's pie does contain eggs and cream but its first five ingredients — water, milk, sugar, flour, and oil — are nearly identical to the 100-year-old recipe. Of course, the addition of banana puree brings a bunch of banana flavor to this pudding pie, and gives it a dense, creamy mouthfeel.

It's not such a strange idea — bananas are an a-peeling addition to so many desserts. You are missing out if you haven't made your own ice cream by blending frozen banana slices into a sweet and creamy concoction. The problem comes when the bananas thaw. The ice crystals remain in the pie long after the recommended thawing time but eventually the texture becomes filmy and slightly gummy. 

But, that isn't the worst part. With no artificial coloring, the pale banana filling is left with an unappetizing gray tinge. The white clouds of fluffy, chemical-rich whipped cream distracts from the off-putting hue but also dulls the banana's natural flavors. The votes were split down the middle on this pie, and those tasting helpers who enjoyed the creamy texture will see its ranking as a tough "peel" to swallow.

Marie Callender's cream pie's have a fatal flaw in the packaging. The domed lids, which are designed to protect the whipped topping, don't snap securely in place, so they actually doom the decorative top layer to become crushed and smeared when the lid slides around and sinks into the thawed pie. The less than perfect appearance doesn't really matter in this case because once you start cutting into the Coconut Cream Pie, the topping flops over the sides creating a messy slice. Combined with the pie crust, which is thick and soft, each bite eats like a deconstructed cream puff.

However, this dessert's positive attributes are overshadowed by its shortcomings. It turns out I don't need to worry about protecting the appearance of this pie because I won't be serving it to guests or eating much of the rest of it. Unlike some of the other cream pies I tasted, which are topped with light, barely sweetened whipped cream, the Coconut Cream Pie's top layer is a cloyingly sweet cream that is silky smooth in a way that leaves a greasy film in my mouth and a chemical taste on my tongue. Because the topping makes up about two-thirds of the pie's volume, it overshadows the coconut filling's nutty, but subtle, flavor.

Thanks to the many handy gadgets for pie making these days, anyone can make a nice looking pie. I love using a dough rolling bag so pie crusts are the perfect size and shape. And, instead of cutting and weaving strips of dough to create a lattice top, nowadays, you just pass over the dough with a pastry roller cutter, and suddenly you have a perfect design to top your fruit pie. There are even adjustable crust protectors instead of the old fashioned guesswork involved to cut a circle out of a sheet of aluminum foil and then figure out how to wrap it around the edges of a hot pie tin.

Mass manufacturers have all the latest and greatest tools to prepare good-looking pies and Marie Callender's Lattice Apple Pie obviously benefits from them. The decorative top crust shatters under the pressure of a fork, and the thick, dense bottom crust holds in the perfectly cooked, crisp-tender apple slices which are bathed in glossy filling and a classic apple cinnamon sugar flavor. It tastes like a homemade pie, or at least like a fresh Marie Callender's pie. While this apple pie has sugar and spice and everything nice, there's nothing that sets it apart from a standard grocery store pie, so it stays in the bottom half of the rankings.

Marie's Cherry Crunch Pie features tart red cherries enrobed in glossy sweet gel, and a brown sugar and cinnamon streusel topping. The combination is like a pinball machine in my mouth as the tart, sweet, and rich flavors take turns hitting the tastebuds with both soft and gritty textures. In my opinion, this preparation tastes better than a double-crust cherry pie. The streusel is the delightful surprise that gives it an edge above other pies. However, preparing it is a lesson in patience and chemistry, so I can't give it a higher spot.

Per instructions, the frozen pie bakes for 40 minutes before the crumble topping, which is packaged separately, is added for the last ten minutes. At the end of 50 minutes, the middle is jiggly but the topping begins to burn, but if the pie's internal temperate is 165 degrees, it's good to go. This is where patience is a virtue because the hard and fast rule of hot fruit pies is that it won't harden fast. This is especially true for certain types of thickeners used in fruit pies, like the cornstarch used by this brand. It works best when allowed to cool completely after it has been heated to a boil. Cut it too soon and it will taste warm and delicious, but will be a loose mess. After a few hours cooling on the counter or, ideally, in the refrigerator, it is easier to cut a wedge and still keep the rest of the pie intact.

While I recognize that perhaps this flavor is something of an acquired taste, I am relieved that I can purchase a delicious, perfectly prepared, frozen lemon meringue pie so I don't have to try to make one myself. This pie makes the top five because its a no-brainer if you want a dish that is easy to prepare but still has that wow factor. Let's face it, there are so many potential problems when making a lemon meringue pie. If you mess up blind baking the crust, let the lemon curd cool too much, or have gaps in the meringue, you end up with a soggy, weeping, lopsided, undercooked, unimpressive pie.

Marie Callender's manufacturing process prevents all those problems and somehow, even when frozen and thawed, it has all the expected textures — smooth lemon filling and fluffy, sticky meringue. A fork glides smoothly through the topping and filling until it hits the thick crust with a thunk and explosion of crumbs. The pie slices cleanly and has a guest-worthy appearance. The only reason the pie will look less than perfect is because the finicky plastic lid can easily smash and smear the brûléed tips of beautifully piped dollops of meringue. Fortunately, this doesn't affect the flavor at all. The topping is sweet and marshmallow-y and the lemon curd filling, which leans toward bitter notes, is tamed into a pleasant tartness by plenty of sugar.

Full disclosure, like almost half of the country, pecan pie is my pie of choice. Its top five ranking is partially influenced by the fact that I think it's one of the all-time best American foods ever, but also because its flavor and texture exceeds my expectations, so it finishes ahead of others which do not. The pecans are rich and nutty, the crust is tender, and the jammy filling is richly caramelized and satisfyingly sweet. The luscious consistency of the pie comes from the combination of sugar and corn syrup — which is not the same as the high fructose corn syrup that is the villain of highly processed foods — but ensures the sugars bake up silky instead of grainy with sugar crystals. Of course, this frozen pie contains additives and other ultra-processed ingredients — it's a convenience food after all. 

Among the pie's other merits, it also looks the part of a top pie. All three layers remain intact when cut through with a sharp knife — the crust, with its decorative rim, the generous layer of pecans, and the gooey, gelled filling — for a picture perfect slice. Out of all Marie Callender's other varieties, the Southern Pecan Pie is also the easiest to prepare. It goes from frozen to edible in two hours flat, making it the ultimate indulgent and convenient solution to a pecan pie craving. The only reason it doesn't land higher on this ranking is that I know pecan pie may not be to everyone's liking. 

This #3 pie also features one of my other favorite desserts — brownies. Just like I can equally enjoy eating both raw cookie dough and baked cookies, and both melty grilled cheese sandwiches and crispy cheese crackers, I can appreciate the taste of dense and chewy brownies and those same rich and indulgent flavors whipped into an elegantly light dessert. I didn't have high expectations because I've been disappointed by store-bought brownies before, but this is a creatively designed, well-executed dessert that garnered high marks.

This Chocolate Brownie Pie has four distinct flavors and textures which play off one another. The fine crumbs of the crust mix with the silky, milk chocolate mousse to imitate grainy brownie batter licked straight from the mixing bowl. A ring of fluffy whipped topping tames the rich filling, and the clumps of crust and cubes of brownie bits on top add texture and contrast which prevents the light and airy pie from becoming one dimensional.

One of the elements that impresses me most about this pie is its foundational layer. A crust can literally make or break a pie so its fascinating how creative pie crust alternatives affect its taste and texture. Cookie crumb pies are nothing new, but it is almost magical the way this fine-crumb, chocolate cookie crust keeps its shape when cut but then crumbles like a soft cakey brownie once in your mouth. Final thoughts: This is a unique-flavored, indulgently rich, and smooth dessert, so serve it in small slices.

How does a bakery make certain that its chocolate pie stands out from all the other chocolate pies being sold? It pulls out a thesaurus and uses a different adjective to describe its pie. Marie Callender's Chocolate Satin Pie is really just a French Silk Pie. But, it isn't the allusions to luxurious fabrics that makes it one of the manufacturer's top ranked pies. It's the unctuous, dark chocolate filling made from eggs and fats, not cornstarch, like regular chocolate pudding pies. The deep, rich chocolate flavor is balanced by an abundant amount of fluffy, barely sweetened whipped cream. The finely crushed dark chocolate cookie crust is also a smart addition because its complementary flavor and contrasting texture keeps each bite interesting.

It's no surprise chocolate pies hold top places in this list but this one earns the number two spot easily because it's both impressive and indulgent. To keep the slices of pie looking as fancy as they taste, take care to cut through the pie's layers carefully so that they don't become muddled. Using a sharp knife and rinsing it in hot water between cuts are just a two of the tricks to cutting a perfect slice of pie.

Indulge me as I wax poetic about this Peanut Butter Cream Pie: Powder-soft chocolate cookie crust that doesn't fall apart on the fork, only in your mouth; addictively fluffy and creamy peanut butter mousse, which does not stick in your mouth but collapses into flavorful silk; a ring of whipped topping sophisticated enough that it doesn't rely on loads of sugar; and, finally, peppers of mini chocolate chips which add a percussive pop to the sensory symphony experience.

Each of these ingredients are deliciously indulgent on their own, but eaten in contrast to one another, they just take everything up a notch. Each bite bursts with the earthy flavor of roasted peanuts, and the sweet, rich indulgence of chocolate. There's actually a scientific explanation for why the combination of chocolate and peanut butter is so appealing, and this recipe builds on that craveable duo by maximizing complementary flavors and taking textures that are just destined to be eaten together. The result is the best Marie Callender's frozen pie you can buy.

11 pies is a lot of dessert to consume, so I invited my extended family to help rate them. However, in some cases, my personal preferences did override common opinion. My criteria when ranking Marie Callender's frozen pies was to identify which ones I would want to share with others, because pies are the treat you bring out to finish the meal, or to tempt friends to linger a bit longer.

First impressions are important, and we do, after all, eat with our eyes first, so appearance was a big part of the score I gave each product. I noted which were easy to serve up and which looked a mess on the plate. Ease of eating and, of course, taste and texture were all factors that added up to whether it was categorized as one of the best or worst pies. 

Flavors that surprised me or were unique got additional points, but so did classic pies that met or exceeded my expectations. I realize the top three are all similarly creamy and chocolatey, but they were the ones I and my tasting helpers kept going back to for more.