Nosh Or Nah: Canned Carnage And Questionable Unicorns

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Welcome back to Nosh or Nah, a column where The Takeout staff reviews the best, worst, and weirdest new snacks and drinks hitting store shelves near you.

In this post-modern era, everything can seem topsy-turvy, including the once-familiar aisles of the grocery store. No longer can a snack or a drink merely taste like itself — no, all our favorite foods and beverages must now disguise themselves as other foods and beverages, ideally from another famous manufacturer to maximize the co-branding potential. In this edition of Nosh or Nah, the Takeout staff tested four of these convenience store chimeras to determine which were more than the sum of their parts.

Dennis Lee tackled Kraft's chicken ramen flavored macaroni as well as a Pop-Tarts-inspired canned iced tea from Liquid Death. Laura Christine Allan discovered if the addition of cotton candy flavor would make Lucky Charms even more magically delicious. And finally, Michael Palan determined if Flamin' Hot Maruchan Instant Lunch could combine the deliciousness of Cheetos and ramen. Join us as we boldly go where no tastebuds have gone before.

Kraft just released a new limited-time flavor of its good ol' blue box of macaroni and cheese: chicken ramen. While a noodle-flavored noodle product seems a little redundant, the chicken ramen flavor does bring an added boost of savoriness that Kraft's blue box is always sorely lacking. There's even chicken broth listed in the seasoning packet, along with a small amount of chicken fat. What's missing from the list is monosodium glutamate, or MSG, that delightful molecule that screams pure umami in typical instant ramen noodles. But the yeast extract in the seasoning pretty much acts as the same thing, gently boosting those umami notes. 

I find the concept of the mash-up to be a little head-scratching (who was asking for this?), but then again, we have Flamin' Hot Kraft Macaroni, so this just goes to prove that there are no defining lines between product categories anymore. This is a "nosh" — if you like Kraft's blue box, and you like Maruchan's chicken ramen, you'll enjoy this, as it tastes exactly as advertised. Plus, it'll make your kitchen smell like ramen for a whole day, and it costs less than two bucks for a 7.25-ounce box.

Liquid Death recently dropped a new Pop-Tarts-flavored iced tea called Pop-Tarts Carnage. It's inspired by the strawberry version of the toaster pastry and has 20 calories and 43 milligrams of caffeine. This black tea tastes like a strawberry iced tea, which isn't a bad thing, though it depends on what you think "strawberry" flavor should taste like. To me, it's more akin to artificial strawberry candy or even a scented marker. If there are any rounded pastry notes, they are impossible to detect.

I'd say it's decidedly not exactly like a Pop-Tart, which I have a recent reference point for, since I recently ate the new strawberry-flavored Pop-Tarts Super Stuffed Tart. It's just a strawberry iced tea, best enjoyed ice cold while sitting in a lawn chair on a sunny day. I'd say if you're a fan of anything berry-flavored, you'll definitely enjoy this. The added benefit is that it's sweet, but not too sweet (agave nectar is the main sweetener), which means those seeking a sugary fix will still get some of that, but those who don't like syrupy drinks will also not be clobbered over the head with sweetness. This is a "nosh" if you're the type of person who likes pink Starburst best. You can find it on Amazon for $17 for a 12-pack of cans, and it'll roll out in retail stores starting in May.

Lucky Charms is pretty much already candy, so the idea of adding cotton candy flavoring isn't so unreasonable. The Lucky Charms Unicorn Cotton Candy cereal with three new unicorn shapes ($4.50-ish for a 10.5-ounce box) attempts to capture all the sweetness of a trip to an amusement park in convenient breakfast form.

From the box, you might assume the cereal pieces to be chocolate-flavored, but that isn't the case. Instead, they're the usual oaty Lucky Charms cereal coated in a mauve, slightly glittery glaze. The cotton candy flavor here is surprisingly understated, which is actually pretty pleasant. It's easy to crunch by the handful or enjoy in a bowl with milk (it turns milk pale pink) without being overwhelmingly saccharine.

But we all know that no one is here for the whole grain oats part. Folks eat Lucky Charms for the little marshmallows, as evidenced by the all-marshmallow bags people can buy. In that department, this cereal delivers. The new unicorn shapes are questionable, with most of them looking more like a multicolored map of California rather than a horse with a horn. But they taste great, with a light texture and a mild cotton-candy aftertaste that infuses deliciously into milk. This is an incredibly sugary way to start your morning, perhaps sickeningly so to some. But I have a big-time sweet tooth, so this magically delicious cereal gets a "nosh" from me.

Maruchan has been making affordable instant noodles since 1961, and in the ensuing decades has offered a wide variety of savory flavors to slurp up. New to its Instant Lunch line is a cup of noodles inspired by Frito-Lay's ever-popular Flamin' Hot snacks.

Pulling back the lid on this one, the dried seasonings don't exactly look as vibrantly red as Flamin' Hot Cheetos. As I pour the hot water on the cup's elements, the brain-like nest of noodles starts to unravel, and after 3 minutes of waiting, it kind of resembles a shrimpy soup. Visually, it doesn't really have any Flamin' Hot vibes, but a first slurp of the broth and noodles together tell a different story. The heat it packs doesn't hit instantly — it unfolds gradually. My lips become mildly numb and my head starts to perspire a bit. These are good things.

All in all, this collaboration works, and at just $0.62 at Walmart, it's an easy investment, even if you just want to sample it and dump the rest. To upgrade the experience, throw down a couple more bucks on a bag of Flamin' Hot Cheetos, then toss a bunch into the soup as if they were oyster crackers. It not only adds more pep to the pot, but also a fun texture to pair with the noodles.