The Old-School Etiquette Rule That The West Coast Has Left Behind

The East Coast and West Coast are about 3,000 miles apart, and the driving distance between New York and Los Angeles (2,798 miles) is greater than that between London and Beirut (2,763 miles). It stands to reason, therefore, that the two differ greatly in some ways — there are distinct types of oysters, and the sushi may be different between the East and West Coasts, as well. 

Etiquette, too, isn't quite the same, particularly when it pertains to punctuality. To get a better understanding of how things work on each side of the country, The Takeout spoke with two etiquette experts: Lisa Grotts, who is based in California and bills herself as the Golden Rules Gal, and Nick Leighton, the New York-based etiquette expert behind Were You Raised By Wolves?, both weighed in with their separate takes on timing.

As Grotts describes it, West Coasters take more of a relaxed approach to things, not allowing themselves to be beholden to the clock. Leighton, however, explains that East Coasters have more of a "time is money" mentality, and they prioritize punctuality. Both of our politeness pros make a convincing argument for their area's attitude.

According to Lisa Grotts, "... social norms have loosened. Arriving 15 minutes late has become the new 'on time.' Most hosts actually appreciate a small buffer to give them breathing room for last-minute details." This shift, she says, is a fairly recent one, dating back to the pandemic when everyone's routines were shaken up and it became less crucial to show up right on the dot for those online happy hours people were holding. (When you're mixing your own drink, it doesn't matter how fast the ice melts or the soda goes flat.) "... etiquette today isn't about rigidity — it's about awareness," she told us.

That being said, Grotts doesn't feel that the concept of time should be thrown out the window entirely, and she thinks some people are interpreting the concept of "fashionably late" a bit too loosely. "Holding up a dinner for 30 minutes to an hour isn't stylish — it's inconsiderate," she admonished. You should always take into account whether your extended absence is going to cause inconvenience for others, since if so, it's just not cool. As Grotts put it, "Relaxed standards don't give a pass for disregard, and they never will. Think of it this way: When others are depending on you at a meal or at a meeting, your lateness sends a clear message. When in doubt, punctuality carries clout."

Nick Leighton, on the other hand, feels that any kind of lateness has no place even in this post-pandemic world, despite what the West Coast may think. "The rules of punctuality have not actually changed ... it's always been the rule — and will continue to always be the rule — that we need to respect people's time, which certainly includes not keeping people waiting," he insisted. 

Leighton did admit that some hosts have given up on expecting punctuality because none of their guests ever show up on time, but this is resignation, not approval, and the normality of the situation still doesn't excuse the late arrival. "... anyone who's ever hosted a dinner party can tell you that late-arriving guests can really throw a wrench in your timing and plans," he pointed out. As he sees it, "Anything with a hard start time, which includes dinner reservations, really does require promptness. And with so many restaurants not seating incomplete parties, it's up to everyone to be considerate of everyone else."

Can the two coasts ever work out a compromise when it comes to etiquette rules? Maybe so, maybe no, but whatever they do, they should avoid enlisting a midwestern mediator. In the middle of the country, getting anywhere on time may be seen as slacking, since punctuality means arriving 20 minutes early.