Store-Bought Eggnog, Ranked Worst To Best

Eggnog is a holiday classic. This gloopy, generously flavored, and calorically dense blend of milk, cream, egg yolks — not to mention dashes of flavorings such as vanilla and nutmeg — is also pretty odd, or at least polarizing. Many think eggnog is disgusting. Others think that it's one of the highlights of the holidays, unlike so many other odd and old-school Christmas dishes that almost everyone has forgotten about.

There are plenty of occasions where eggnog, as long as it's safe to drink, fits in nicely. It's the perfect item to leave out for Santa on Christmas Eve, and it's a must-have holiday dish for family gatherings and office parties. But the holidays are so busy that it's often hard to find time to make eggnog from scratch. Fortunately, it's really easy to let someone else do the work. Almost every supermarket and corner store in the country at this time of year has a dairy case well stocked with multiple brands and styles of eggnog.

Store-bought eggnog is a cheap and easy way to cut corners, but it's hard to know which eggnogs are just as good as homemade and which should send their producers straight to Santa's naughty list. The Takeout collected 13 leading brand eggnogs and taste-tested them. Here's a ranking of eggnogs from the worst to best, or the ones that make us wary down to the ones that leave us feeling merry.

Considering that this is an eggnog lacking the very things that typically define the drink (milk and cream), expectations were low. But Planet Oat Oat Nog — obviously made with oat milk rather than a cow's — was still approached with an open mind. It at least smells strongly and pleasantly of two eggnog staples, cinnamon and nutmeg, to make it feel somewhat like Christmas morning. But one can find a cheap seasonal candle that achieves a similar result, and a candle might be about as palatable as oat nog.

One is only aware that this is supposed to be something akin to eggnog because it's in the name of the product. Little of the taste or texture of Planet Oat Oat Nog recreates the eggnog experience. It's too thin, the color is wrong, and it's just a chemical-esque presentation of oat milk. If it tastes like anything at all, it tastes like horchata, but not a good one. It has the consistency of milk (not eggnog) and brings in a lot of cinnamon that's easily undercut by the overwhelming flavor of burnt oatmeal gone cold. Fortunately, that flavor dissipates into nothing immediately after a sip.

Bolthouse Farms mainly makes dressings, smoothies, and various sugary beverages such as vanilla chai and a bottled mocha cappuccino. It seems like a decent candidate to make a decadent eggnog, but the fact that it conspicuously names the product Holiday Nog gives pause.

The beverage is visible through the clear plastic of the bottle. It's the darkest nog around, but not so tan that one can't see the specks of eggnog spices floating around. It indeed boasts a promising eggnog aroma, and it's on the thicker side, making Bolthouse Farms' entry a sipping drink, not a guzzling one.

On first taste, it really does taste like homemade eggnog, all creamy and rich while also somehow feeling light on the tongue. But then comes the heel turn, and the Holiday Nog erases all of the pleasant memories it provided in favor of a bitter, caustic, and revolting aftertaste. There just shouldn't be a place in eggnog for a sudden and lasting flavor of raw baking soda.

A stalwart and utilitarian entry into the eggnog field, this is by far the cheapest of all the brands tested on an ounce-by-ounce basis. Lucerne is a private label of Albertson's, Safeway, and other grocery stores in that particular portfolio, so this is also one of the most commonly found eggnogs. Sold in a gigantic plastic jug, Lucerne strongly implies that this is the eggnog to buy for serving a lot of people as cheaply as possible — in other words, it's meant to be spiked with booze. 

For that reason, it's unsurprising that Lucerne Eggnog is simple and unremarkable, because it doesn't have to be any better than necessary if it's just serving as a vehicle for alcohol. Lucerne Eggnog is aggressively okay. It more or less looks, smells, and tastes the way one expects from a basic eggnog, but there's no depth or soul here. It's also a little thin, and thus quite mixable, which is more evidence of the idea that this is supposed to be combined with alcohol. The flavor profile seems designed to cover up the taste of booze, as it's far too sweet and loaded with fake-tasting vanilla and very little nutmeg, cinnamon, and other warming spices.

You can find all of the important things in this eggnog by East Coast dairy company Hood, including milk, cream, sugar, and egg yolks. But it's also full of thickeners and additives, such as carrageenan, guar gum, Yellow 5 and Yellow 6, and high-fructose corn syrup — even though Hood's Golden Eggnog already contains plenty of sugar.

Sweetness was expected, and a quick whiff confirms that this is a saccharine beverage. Amidst that sweet smell came the faintest hint of actual eggnog spice. The drink itself tasted mostly like sugary cream with almost no spice blend coming through at all. One wonders if Golden Eggnog isn't just a marketing term, but a designation for unseasoned eggnog. Hood Golden Eggnog is an eggnog for people who don't care for eggnog. It has the same consistency as 2% milk and tastes like whipped cream mixed with milk, perhaps with a splash of vanilla. So, while it may remind a drinker of melted budget-level vanilla ice cream — which is tasty in its own right, yes — it's not at all a viable eggnog.

I had a feeling that Califia Farms Holiday Nog wouldn't taste like your standard eggnog, nor would it be a solid modern spin on the formula. The label obscures the liquid inside, which pours out a caramel brown and doesn't look like the whitish-yellow liquid usually marketed as eggnog. After all, eggnog is made with milk and cream, so it's initially unclear why this eggnog is so brown.

Tasting Califia Farms Holiday Nog soon reveals the answer: It's made with a whole lot of cinnamon. It's the most cinnamon-forward of all the eggnogs sampled here. There's so much that the eggnog turned brown, and it burns the nose a little. Notes of vanilla and nutmeg do manage to work their way into the mix, but nothing can overtake the cinnamon. It tastes like cinnamon mixed with milk, but in a way that's reminiscent of leftover milk from a bowl that just housed a serving of Cinnamon Toast Crunch. It's not unpleasant — cereal milk has a cult following, after all. However, this is supposed to be an eggnog, not a creamy, sweet cinnamon liquid.

From even the first glance at a glass of So Delicious Dairy Free Coconut Holiday Nog, it's clear that this isn't your standard eggnog. An eggnog made with ingredients counter to the usual recipe of dairy products isn't going to closely resemble its inspiration, but this one was wildly off the mark. The 'nog from So Delicious is both watery and chunky, very thin but then also likely to quickly separate into vomit-hued solids and what one hopes is coconut milk or water. It's hard to want to take a sip of this stuff.

Fortunately, appearances can be deceiving. Following a quick swirl to mix everything back together again, it's quite tasty and even approximates the flavor of dairy-based eggnog. Made with coconut milk and real cane sugar, it provides a creamy taste but not a creamy texture. It's a bit too sweet, with cane sugar likely used to try to cover up the taste of coconut, a trick that isn't quite successful. It's nearly scientifically impossible to make an uncanny imitation of a dairy beverage without any milk, but So Delicious gives it a good effort.

This product is equal parts a legitimate eggnog and an exercise in brand extension. Seeing a carton of Southern Comfort-labeled eggnog on a refrigerated shelf probably leads many to think that the beverage inside is pre-spiked with that iconic titular mixing liquor. It's not — Southern Comfort Traditional Egg Nog is completely booze-free, but it exists to suggest to the purchaser that they ought to go buy some Southern Comfort to make a wintry cocktail.

Arguably created to drive sales of a more expensive product, Southern Comfort eggnog doesn't really have to be all that good, and it winds up in the middle of the pack of big commercial eggnogs. In other words, it's fine. The beverage is thinner than what one would expect from an eggnog, but still manages to linger on the tongue for several minutes after a sip. Strongly packed with vanilla flavor and too much nutmeg, both tastes seem forced and fake, like it's eggnog candy or a syrup-based eggnog latte from a coffee shop. The small black bits floating in the drink suggest that real spices were used, but authenticity is overshadowed by the inclusion of both sugar and high-fructose corn syrup, which creates an artificial over-sweetness.

Thick, bubbly, and gently viscous, Darigold Eggnog is what an eggnog should be when poured or ladled into a glass from a big punchbowl. The anticipatory scent is remarkably identical to the taste of the beverage. That preview-by-nose suggests that it's going to be an extra creamy and vanilla-forward eggnog, and indeed it's exactly that. The taste and consistency are velvety, which carries through into the aftertaste, featuring a lingering creaminess that takes over once the spice drops out.

And that's a problem. It's too bad that Darigold couldn't cross the proverbial finish line and take care of the other few eggnog qualities — that is to say, there's only a detectable hint of the use of nutmeg, cinnamon, and other such spices. Not every eggnog is great for every situation. This isn't an eggnog to be served to guests or at a party — this one could be just the thing to liven up a cup of morning coffee.

One swap that can make eggnog totally dairy-free involves getting rid of the animal-derived milk, cream, and eggs, and making the beverage with almond milk. That's what Blue Diamond, makers of Almond Breeze, did to create its Almondmilk Nog. There's not much one can expect from a beverage that exists only, however nobly, to fill a dietary niche. This is an eggnog that vegans, the lactose intolerant, and others on restrictions can enjoy. And yet, Almond Breeze Almondmilk Nog is surprisingly among the better mass-produced eggnogs widely available, and definitely the best made without cow's milk.

Almond Breeze Almondmilk Nog is thinner than real eggnog, but it's not unappetizingly watery the way almond milk tends to be, and everything stays blended together in a light brown (well, almond) hue that even gets a little frothy. The gentle creaminess of almond milk complements the punchy flavor profile, and the nuttiness provides a counterpoint.

All that taste hits the mouth with top and bottom notes: vanilla high in the mix, and nutmeg bringing up the rear. It's as creamy as a milk-cream-egg eggnog, and while it probably won't fool any unsuspecting party guests, it reaches the integrity and flavor of eggnog so convincingly that it's a better alternative for anyone seeking a lower-calorie option than many reduced-fat traditional eggnogs.

Alexandre Family Farms Homegrown Eggnog is sold most commonly in small bottles, indicating that it's an eggnog to-go, something for festive commuters. It's actually because the dairy product inside is so premium that to exclusively sell it in larger sizes (which Alexandre Family Farms also offers) would be cost-prohibitive for some customers.

A little sticker shock is worth it for revelers who really enjoy eggnog. It stands to reason that to improve a food item made from just a handful of ingredients, the only way is to elevate those elements. Alexandre uses only organic products, and the milk is certified A2/A2, which means that it contains only the A2 beta-casein protein, making it noticeably smoother, creamier, and more flavorful — not to mention safer to digest for those with dairy issues.

This eggnog just feels special. It's thick but pourable, flowing into a glass in a pleasing cornflower yellow shade. Some people like eggnog with whipped cream on top, and Alexandre Family Farms Homegrown Eggnog tastes like the whipped cream has already been mixed in. It's just that sweet and airy. The creaminess of flavor, with a hint of vanilla, dominates the taste. There's not much cinnamon or nutmeg to be found here, but Alexandre has made up for that by nailing the texture of homemade eggnog in a bottle.

It would've been impossible to predict that one of the highest-ranking eggnogs on this list would be a bargain-priced store brand variety made in massive batches and sent out to the thousands of stores in the Kroger-controlled network. But this unpretentious, anonymously produced eggnog is one of the best because it checks all the boxes: texture, taste, and smell.

Kroger Eggnog, as the label says, is rich and creamy — as thick as cornbread or pancake batter, and frothy, too. It's also amazingly and abundantly fragrant, sending a lingering hint of nutmeg into the air. This eggnog is heavy in the mouth, rolling around on the tongue, and leaving no negative aftertaste. It's a little gummy, the way you want it to be, suggesting the presence of actual egg yolks. The flavor is best described as a delicate mix of nutmeg, cinnamon, and vanilla, the latter of which heads to the background as a mere suggestion rather than the star, as is often the case with inexpensive eggnogs.

Umpqua, a nearly century-old Pacific Northwest dairy, certainly goes for a classic, nostalgic vibe with its Premium Egg Nog, inside and out. An illustrated image of holly entices consumers to check out this otherwise ordinary-seeming eggnog, unaware that it's the most striking and uncanny replica of the homemade, small-batch holiday eggnog of yore.

In terms of taste and texture, Umpqua Premium Egg Nog has got everything going for it. This eggnog is thin enough to go down smoothly and quickly, but it's so thick and worthy of savoring that you'll want to savor it slowly and contemplatively. It's so dense and luxurious that one almost has to chew it, but that's a good thing because doing so really brings out all the flavors. Umpqua Premium Egg Nog will take you on a Proustian trip back in time. The milk and cream are crisp and fresh, as if they came from a cow that same day. The rest of the drink adds depth of flavor with an equal balance of nutmeg, cinnamon, and vanilla. It's also zesty, which makes it taste like it might have been a bit spiked already. (Don't worry, it hasn't.)

Perhaps Organic Valley Eggnog is comparable to traditional, scratch-made eggnog because it's similarly made with just a few high-quality ingredients. Organic Valley uses just two different kinds of organic milk (Grade A and fat-free), organic cane sugar, organic cream, organic egg yolks, and organic natural flavor (which we assume is vanilla). Even the nutmeg is organic.

The odor is gentle and subtle, but made up almost entirely of nutmeg. This is the only eggnog sampled that takes that spice seriously and sends it to the forefront. The carton claims that this product is of the reduced-fat variety, but that only makes a difference of 2 or 3 grams less than your average eggnog. It's possible that this was the result of perfecting the recipe. Using less fatty cream results in an eggnog of the ideal thickness: medium, but on the hefty side.

There's a great balance of cream, sugar, and vanilla in Organic Valley Eggnog, which serves as a silky foundation for the rest of the flavoring agents. It's significantly peppery, thanks to that injection of top-shelf nutmeg. If one has ever dreamed of making a nutmeg that's spicier than what's sold at the store, Organic Valley responded with this hot and cold, milkshake-esque creation.

Come each December, there's a massive demand for eggnog, as it's a classic holiday food. Because it may be a bit daunting, not cost-effective, and time-consuming to make from scratch, or because a lot of people don't need but a little bit to make it through the season, many dairies, local, regional, and national, offer packaged eggnog for sale throughout the final weeks of the year.

To determine which one was the best, which one was the worst, and which fell somewhere in the middle, we selected eggnogs that are readily available across the U.S. in grocery stores, big-box stores, and convenience stores. In order to make for as even a field as possible, we selected the "original" flavor and full-fat versions of each brand's eggnog array as often as possible. These eggnogs are made from cow's milk and other dairy products, as well as alternative milks like coconut and almond.

Then we tested each one, noting taste, mouthfeel, and odor. The ones that scored highly are the ones that represented a reasonable facsimile of the homemade eggnogs of yore. To be a great eggnog, as far as this ranking is concerned, the beverage had to be creamy, boast a medium-thick consistency, and be flavored with the right balance of vanilla, nutmeg, and cinnamon, the spices traditionally used in eggnog.