Ranch Is Fleeting, But This Hidden Valley Stunt Is Forever

This is either the best or worst thing in the world.

Every time I think I've seen every food-related press release I could possibly see, something new comes along and rocks my world. While I already understand that man-made diamonds are a thing, something I hadn't considered is that you can make diamonds out of pretty much any carbon-based material. That means you can turn all sorts of shit (even human bodies) into a diamond with enough heat and pressure, and that includes ranch dressing.

Advertisement

How ranch is turned into diamonds

According to a press release sent to The Takeout, a professional diamond maker used lab equipment to heat Hidden Valley Ranch Seasoning powder to 2,500 degrees Fahrenheit, then crushed it with 400 tons of pressure to create a diamond. The entire process took five months and resulted in one very pretty gemstone. Once the stone was cut, it was set in a 14-karat gold band with an inscription that says "HVR LVR." (Hidden Valley Ranch Lover, I'm guessing. Not Hoover Lover. Or... Haver Lever.)

Advertisement

Of course, the diamond ring is for sale, but the price is yet to be determined. You can visit theranchdiamond.com, which redirects you to an eBay listing. If you've got enough money to comfortably spend $11,450, which is the current high bid, you can toss your hat into the ring to get a ranched-out diamond. Isn't that what we all want in life?

Yes, yes, I know. You can stop groaning. I acknowledge that it's a marketing stunt, but it's still pretty funny. Like, someone sat around, thought of this, and pitched the idea to a diamond producer, who then said yes. I am sure the heat and pressure immediately took all the flavor and aroma out of the ranch dressing powder, but that probably wouldn't stop me from licking the thing every now and then. You know, just to double check.

Advertisement

Other foods turned into diamonds

The BBC explained back in 2014 how a German scientist was able to create diamond material out of peanut butter (also funny) using a press that mimics atmospheric pressure. Ultimately a byproduct of the experiment, hydrogen, destroyed the setup, but not before an actual diamond had been created from scratch.

Advertisement

It sounds like as long as we have the right raw materials, we can go through a lot of trouble and expense to create our own jewelry out of different carbon-rich foods. But I think maybe I'll just try to find a pearl by eating a shitload of oysters instead. I may not have a high-pressure laboratory device at home, but I come fully equipped a mouth that can mine pearls any day.

 

Recommended

Advertisement