The NYC Pizza Etiquette Tourists Always Get Wrong

New York City, baby! We could get into plenty of arguments as to whether it is, in fact, the greatest city in the world, but there's no denying it's up there. If you're ever in New York City and you find yourself craving a New York slice (one of many regional pizza styles) from one of the best New York pizzerias, do us a favor and don't ask for "cheese pizza." Nothing bad will happen, but whoever's taking your order will probably be caught a bit off guard.

Full disclosure: although I don't live in New York City itself, I do live on Long Island, maybe about a five-minute drive from Queens. And while I have heard the phrase "cheese pizza" before, I never heard it in a New York pizza parlor; in fact, I find the phrase itself pretty mystifying. Surely all pizza is cheese pizza, no? I get the idea that you're asking for only cheese on your pizza, but if that's what you're trying to communicate, asking for it "plain" (the preferred nomenclature in New York City) seems much more straightforward. "Plain" connotes bread, tomato sauce, and cheese — the bare minimum required for pizza — in a simple, elegant way. Once again, we're cursed with being right about everything.

There are other ways to refer to a pizza without toppings. (Other, incorrect ways, I should add, but that's none of my business.) Some will say that, when ordering a slice of plain pizza, they will request "a slice of cheese" — which to me sounds as though they're asking someone to throw a Kraft Single at their forehead. Others will ask for a "regular" slice, which is understandable (in New York City, we also refer to coffee with cream and sugar as a "regular"), but not quite as good as "plain." Are we ordering pizza or filling our gas tank?

There are other little language differences, too. Some will refer to an individual serving of pizza as a "slice," others as a "piece"; when you're ordering for a group, you may call and ask for a "pizza" or you may ask for a "pie." (Personally, I would ask for a pie — if you're calling a pizzeria, they can make a reasonable assumption as to what kind of pie they're making.) To do away with the bravado briefly, these linguistic differences are part of what makes the world go round, and they should be cherished for as long as they're here. The internet has a way of flattering vocabulary, much as it does with accents, and while it doubtlessly makes communication easier it does drain some of the color out of life's rich tapestry.

Ahem. Anyway, New York pizza is the best, and not even Chicagoans eat deep dish pizza, so there.