Slog Through The Nog: The Definitive Store-Bought Eggnog Rankings

Fuck off, pumpkin spice. Scram. Thanksgiving's over, now it's time for eggnog.

If you're like me, you have eggnog once a century, take a sip and go, "Oh, yeah. This is pretty good! I forgot I liked this stuff." Then you put the carton in the way back of the fridge and forget about it until the package is all bulging and about to explode. The next year you'll go to the store, see all the choices, get overwhelmed and think, I'll try some again next century.

Well, thankfully, the kind people at Huffington Post did some fine work and taste tested 11 different nogs and documented them for your reading pleasure. Sure, you can make some at home, but it's labor intensive, and since you're probably going to be quietly celebrating the holidays in with your dog in your ugly Christmas sweater after not bathing for a few days (thanks, work from home!), you might as well just get the store-bought stuff and spike it with some cough syrup or something.

For the dairy-free folks, HuffPost suggests Whole Foods' 365 Almond Nog as an alternative to moo juice and chickie eggies. While the almond milk doesn't quite get to the thickness of the real deal, apparently Whole Foods has done a fine job in getting the flavor down.

For the fully loaded lactose experience (sans alcohol; that you can do yourself), the HuffPost staff recommends Mayfield brand's eggnog. You can't miss it in the dairy aisle: it's got Santa's giant face plastered right on the packaging, staring at you, probably judging whether or not you were naughty this year. Tasters enjoyed the visible flecks of spice and the golden hue to the nog, and it had the flavor and texture of a decadent dessert, all in a single glass. Sounds like a hearty breakfast if you ask me. So armed with this information, feel free to hit the dairy aisle and go get merry.