I Never Want To Read About Celebrities' Eating Habits Ever Again

The only thing worse than the "what I eat in a day" trend propagated by fitness influencers on TikTok, Instagram, and basically anywhere else you can watch short-form lifestyle videos, is the endless parade of content with that same angle but with celebrities as the focus. This is meant as absolutely no offense to the many celebrities whose work I admire or whose products I have bought, but I have to say with all my heart and soul... I do not give a shit about your diet.

There is absolutely no reason I would need that information. Doing a little get-to-know-you quiz with BuzzFeed and they want to know what your favorite post-workout snack is? Sure, I'll listen to that one sound bite. But do I need a play-by-play of what you ate last Tuesday, when a professional videographer came over to capture your morning green juice in the perfect light? No. Not now, not ever.

This People magazine breakdown of Kim Kardashian's weekly meal plans is a perfect example of how celebrity eating habits can set ridiculous expectations for the rest of us. You're telling me that over a three-day period, Kim K is out here making lemon thyme halibut with sautéed green beans, chicken chorizo and cauliflower sauté with cheese and salsa, slow roasted lemon rosemary chicken with asparagus, and egg bakes with hatch green chilis, cheese, and arugula?

I'm not saying Kim Kardashian is incapable of cooking. After all, she recently joined Paris Hilton in the kitchen to make something with marshmallows in it. What I'm saying is that in her days filled with workouts, photoshoots, meet and greets, business meetings, and whatever else she does, I don't buy that she also has time to whip up a different breakfast plate every single morning. She likely has a chef, if not a team of people, preparing her meals and snacks every single day. Maybe she offsets those costs by doing sponsored content for Atkins bars.

What am I supposed to take away from Kim's three-day sample menu? That I must stretch my staff writer salary to somehow afford a personal chef? Or maybe, the lesson is that I'm supposed to, in the words of Kim K herself, get off my ass and work to prepare these meals every damn day myself.

When celebrities "admit" to eating something even slightly above a certain calorie count, it irritates me to no end. Thinking of foods as something you eat on a "cheat day" makes it sound like you spend too much time keeping score.

The whole concept of "guilty pleasure" food is bullshit. The inclusion of that one "junk food" item in celebrities' food diaries is just an attempt at the whole "I'm just like you, but famous" angle. Whether we're talking about food or anything else, that angle is never convincing. The Kardashians are out here eating fried chicken on a private jet, and Jenifer Lopez "indulging" in a single cookie just leaves me wishing she'd allow herself more.

Yesterday I had oatmeal, a banana, a yogurt, and a coffee for breakfast, a salad for lunch, and spaghetti with meat sauce for dinner. Today I bought an egg sandwich with ham for breakfast, had the same salad again for lunch, and will likely eat pasta leftovers for dinner. What does that mean for you? Absolutely nothing. If I were famous, I would hope it still meant nothing.

These little insights into a celebrity's eating habits exist to make people think that if only they had the discipline of their favorite stars, they might be able to achieve the same body with an expensive diet. The fact is that the majority of celebrities have personal fitness trainers in addition to chefs; everyone's bodies are different and have different needs; and I have no desire to read about a stranger's eating habits when the underlying message is, "You wish you had this, don't you?"

If a celebrity wants to tell me (via People magazine) why they still love eating a certain childhood snack, or why a particular comfort food makes them feel better when they're having a bad day, by all means, share that with me. But spare me the Monday food diaries, which only tell me who's buying up all the salmon at Erewhon. Nothing else.