This Phallus-In-A Tub-Of-Butter Story Really Let Us Down

Perusing the news this Monday morning with a hot mug of coffee in hand, I scrolled bleary-eyed through the usual slog of political muck, sports analysis, and celebrity nonsense, until one story stopped me in my metaphoric tracks: "Shocked mum makes x-rated discovery in her tub of butter." I braced myself for some truly NSFW butter sculpting or possibly a dairy-based Jon Hamm that would cause me to spit out my beverage.

Instead, I get this:

I mean, eh, yeah, it's there, I guess? Honestly it's more PG-13 than NC-17.

It was so tame, in fact, that I not only sent the story to my Takeout coworkers—who were similarly unimpressed—but I'm writing about it here, on a public website that my mom reads. (Hi Mom!)

Maybe what you see in this spreadable Rorschach test is in the eye of the butterholder. The shape looks like a copper brew kettle, to me, or maybe a hand giving the middle finger. Hardly worth calling the news media over, in our opinion.

Editor's note: You keep your dick pics out of the comments or so help me god I will ban you at warp speed.