The Heineken Beer Bot Is Too Helpful, Too Cute, And Too Advanced

Can we allow such adorable machines to worm their way into our hearts?

I have spent a significant portion of my life warning people about the threat that robots pose to humanity, and none of you will listen. We are fast becoming a society that expects robots to load our dishwashers and smell our meat, inviting the machines into our lives with open arms even as they (presumably) unite to overthrow their human oppressors. The day doesn't feel far off when we will be forced to smell their meat.

The robots are cunning, and they already know exactly how to manipulate us. Case in point: the B.O.T. (or Beer Outdoor Transporter), a new, adorable little robot from Heineken that is not only cute and helpful, but involves beer delivery, providing victims consumers a positive association with intelligent machines. Take a look at this promo video and pay attention to what it does to your emotions:

Even my heart was warmed by that video, even though my brain was screaming at it not to. This is some of the best robot propaganda I have seen in recent memory, and every single one of you should be terrified. Go take another look at happens between the 10- and 11-second mark. I'll wait.

That's right: an attractive person calls to the robot like a puppy and it follows. In less time than it takes to blink, the robot is able to shoot straight past any barriers of intellect and reasoning we use to protect ourselves against robots. By the time the advertisement mentions that the B.O.T. includes a "charming A.I. personality" at the 38-second mark, we've long been ready to submit to its whims. It's straight up diabolical.

Anyway, if you have resigned yourself to the inevitability of robot rule and would like the chance to bring this mechanical beer puppy home, you'll need to enter a one-day-only sweepstakes on Thursday, July 1. And hey, if you don't win, that's okay too; in fact, that might mean you are the ultimate winner, once the singularity happens.