New Jersey's Wild Turkeys Seek Revenge On Senior Citizens, Former MLB Third Baseman

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By  Allison Robicelli

Just in time for Thanksgiving, wild turkeys appear to be unionizing. Their first order of business: forcing a community of senior citizens to experience the sort of terror that turkeys live with ever single day of their goddamn lives.

Residents in Holiday City—a 55+ community built on the site of a razed pine forest in Ocean County, New Jersey—have told local station News12 that a vicious street gang nearly 60 wild turkeys have been blocking their cars and driveways, creating the sort of extreme annoyance that the turkeys themselves must feel when they are murdered for the humans' Thanksgiving dinner.

Residents claim that the massive group of Turkey Resistance have been causing property damage by pecking at their cars and breaking windows. When shooed, some turkeys have taken to biting their human oppressors, using their numbers to barricade people into their houses and make them late for very important people things. "I can't get out of my door," said one resident. "Sometimes I can't get out of my car. They go to attack you." Wildlife officials say male turkeys can weigh well over 20 pounds, and can run up to 20 miles per hour if he's been working out.

More wild turkeys have been spotted in nearby Tom's River, where they have taken to protesting in front of the home of former New York Mets third basement Todd Fraizer, who is so annoyed by the demonstrations that he's taken to complaining to New Jersey governor Phil Murphy over Twitter. Local animal control officers have been reminding locals that they are unable to intervene as the turkeys are indigenous wildlife and, technically, local residents are technically squatting on the turkeys' property.

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