Beer Shark Is Here To Bring Joy (And Alcohol) To Virginia

With most stores and restaurants closed or operating as takeout-only establishments, and with personal protective gear in short supply, one of the most pressing questions of these troubling times is: How do businesses generate revenue while protecting the health of their vital delivery people?

Old Ox Brewery in Ashburn, Virginia has responded to that question in two ways—with contactless delivery and a bitchin' shark suit. For a mere $25 your beer order will be safely delivered to any home in Loudoun County (and Alexandria and Arlington) by an intrepid brewery employee dressed in the same regalia (more or less) as the storied Left Shark of Super Bowl XLIX fame. They'll cavort, they'll let you snap pictures, and when you're satisfied with the quality of your purchase they'll continue on to destinations unknown.

While we may never know the true identity of the hero putting themselves at risk to bring beer to the masses of suburban Virginia, rumors persist that Beer Shark is actually brewery president and co-owner Chris Burns' son, who is said to be home from school and who may or may not have been press ganged into service in the name of "family bonding." This is, of course, purely hearsay, and the The Takeout's editorial board urges the capeless hero to come forward and name themselves.

In addition to the Left Shark option, for $25 Old Ox can also arrange for traveling troubadour Nathaniel Davis to serenade you while you receive your beer stoopside, and for $100 he will captivate your entire street, apartment complex, or fortified bunker with a 35-45 minute set that's guaranteed to make you a local hero (or at the very least the subject of intense discussion).