The "Hunger Harness" Returns For All Your Super Bowl LIV Snacking Needs [Updated]
Update, January 24, 2020: The marketing folks at Reynolds Wrap have found a Super Bowl promotion so nice they're doing it twice. The Hunger Harness has returned for Super Bowl LIV and can be purchased here for $3.99. The new and improved Snackbjörn features a two-liter drink compartment with a hands-free drinking straw and a memory foam neck pillow, which also appears to be coated in mylar, or some sort of mylar-esque substance. Very recent history has taught us that this product tends to sell out fast, so act now if you're dead-set on presenting your Super Bowl party host with a novelty gift.
Update, January 24, 2019: According to the ReynoldsHungerHarness.com website, this item is already sold out. Too bad, lazy snackers.
Original post: New parents are likely familiar with the Babybjörn, a delightful contraption that enables you to walk around carrying your precious cargo hands-free. Now Reynolds Wrap, maker of foil, has released a Babybjörn-type contraption for a different kind of precious cargo: snacks.
Just in time for the Super Bowl, the Reynolds Wrap Hunger Harness/human feed bag enables you to fill up the main pouch with wings or a giant sandwich, with chips in the side pocket, complete with another segment for queso or french onion dip. There's also a beer-sized slot, naturally, and still room then on your lap for a few squares of pizza or some giant pretzels. The Reynolds website crows that the "integrated food tray that turns you into a human table—life goal accomplished." Maybe we have different goals, Reynolds Wrap.
Still, this particular contraption is even tailor-made, with "adjustable silver straps that make this the new, food-forward look for the winter season." It also boasts that "This one-of-a-kind wearable snack pack has everything you need to go all four quarters plus the Halftime Show without taking a break." Oh god, we just had a horrible thought: Please don't wear this contraption into the bathroom, getting bacteria all over your wings and foods.
Those who want to purchase a food harness for the inevitable curiosity and hilarity it will bring to their neighborhood Super Bowl party should likely move quickly: The $4.99 harness (same price as Reynolds Wrap foil) is available at ReynoldsHungerHarness.com while supplies last. Then you can lord it all over the pour saps juggling paper plates on their knees and holding beer cans with their hands like true amateurs.