Taste Test: Snickers Charged And Maxxed Energy Pops
Due to popular demand and the fact that we love
trying weird foods and candies, The A.V. Club will now regularly feature "Taste
Tests." Feel free to suggest disgusting and/or delicious new edibles for
future installments: E-mail us at tastetest@theonion.com.
Candy.
It's delicious. With the possible exception of black-hearted Nazi robots,
everyone loves it. But who needs a good old-fashioned sugar rush when the Red
Bull merchants of today offer a more extreme form of kick? Whether
bungee-jumping, skydiving, or having unprotected sex with highway hookers, the
extreme sports buff of today demands something more than just the giddy high
that comes with free-basing a bag of sugar or injecting Pixie Stix
intravenously.
Now the
sugar rush of sweet, sweet candy and the caffeine/taurine energy onslaught of
sports drinks have been united in two new consumer products: Snickers Charged
and the Maxxed Energy Pop. Why the extra "x"? Because spelling it with but a
single "x" is insufficiently extreme. Besides, everyone knows "x" is the most
extreme letter in the alphabet, followed closely by "q," "l," and "d." The
Maxxed Energy Pop even comes in a Red-Bull-like can for an additional
mega-blast of extremeosity.
But don't
let Maxxed's candy-like taste, texture, and appearance fool you. According to
its hyperventilating promotional material, Maxxed is "an alternative energy
source (like solar power!) not candy." So maybe someday soon we'll all be
driving around in Maxxed-powered cars and heating our homes with Maxx pops.
Furthermore, the Maxxed lollipop pimps insist that, "Energy product users are
trendsetters and hyped to try new things." Of course they're hyped. They've got
all that caffeine and taurine coursing through them. They're a goddamned heart
attack waiting to happen.
Pointless
autobiographical aside: When A.V. Club writer Nathan Rabin was in sixth grade he did a
science project measuring the effects high doses of caffeine would have on
hamsters purchased from Woolworths. Though no reputable science journal would
print his revolutionary findings, he learned that giving hamsters crushed-up No
Doz in their drinking water makes them really fucking crazy and psychotic.
Also, the hamsters tried to tear each other's limbs off. Then they escaped from
their Habitrail prison and mated with the local rodent population.
Would
exposure to high levels of caffeine produce the same results in the A.V.
Club staff? No. No,
they would not.
Taste:
Respondents agreed
that Snickers Charged tasted like good old dependable Snickers going down but
finished with a weird, taurine-y/Red Bull aftertaste.
The
Maxxed Pops, meanwhile are remarkable less for their Exxtreme Lime taste than
their bumpy, coarse texture and longevity. These sour little fuckers last a
good 30 minutes. As for the energy blast respondents agreed that Maxxed packed
a more potent punch, though the combination of sugar and caffeine found in both
items scared away at least a few potential taste testers. Pussies.
Snickers
Charged office reactions:
"It
tastes exactly like Snickers."
"With the
first piece not so much but with the second there's definitely a nasty
aftertaste."
"You
normally associate caffeine and taurine with fruit flavors so it's weird to taste it with
chocolate and nuts."
"The nut
and taurine aftertaste is really kind of jarring and weird."
"It really doesn't taste any different until after you're
done. Then it has a lingering aftertaste that the non-extreme Snickers lacks.
And it's not an altogether pleasant aftertaste. Also, I felt a minor uptick in
energy, but maybe it's the sugar."
Maxxed
Energy Pops office reactions:
"It tore
the shit out of my mouth last time. I couldn't even finish it."
"It
tastes nasty."
"I don't
mind the taste. I'd probably finish it if it didn't bore me so much."
This thing has the texture of a cat's tongue. It's like sandpaper. It's taking the top layer of skin off my tongue. The flavor isn't bad, though. Like limeaid. Not too sweet, not too sour. I do not feel X-TREEM or jazzed all to hell, however. [3 hours later] Okay, hours after eating that lollipop, I am UNCOMFORTABLY WIRED. TO THE EXTREME. I feel like running around the block six times. Or throwing up.
"It lasts
forever."
"I feel
like staying awake all night vacuuming my floors and my apartment doesn't even
have carpeting."
"It
doesn't have that much caffeine but because there's no soda or coffee to dilute
it, it feels a lot more potent."
"It's
semi sensory-altering."
"I feel
like I'm trapped in that Very Special Episode of Family Ties where Alex P. Keaton gets addicted
to pep pills while cramming for finals."
"Unless
you're Telly Savalas or Ving Rhames it's impossible to look cool or maintain
your dignity while sucking on a lollipop."
Where
To Get It:
Snickers
Charged: 7/11, convenience stores
Maxxed
Energy Pops: Lollies Galore, online merchants, your local extreme emporium