Taste Test: Big-Boob Jellies And Breast-Enhancement Cookies

Due
to popular demand and the fact that we love trying weird foods and candies, The A.V. Club will now regularly feature "Taste
Tests." Feel free to suggest disgusting and/or delicious new edibles for future
installments: E-mail us at tastetest@theonion.com.

F-Cup Breast-Enhancement
Cookies and Oppai Jelly

This month in Taste Test, we set
our sights on the Far East, specifically our friends in Japan. While on
vacation there this month, I bought only a shirt for me, but came back with
five shopping bags of stuff for Taste Test. We'll save the numerous varieties
of Pringles, seven flavors of Kit-Kat, and fried eel spines for another day.
Today, it's all about tits!

Holy crap, if you think Americans
are obsessed with body image, take a stroll down Tokyo Way sometime. At a
pharmacy offering, among other things, finger-slimming cream, we stumbled upon
F-Cup brand natural
breast-enhancement cookies, part of a line of F-Cup products that
includes tea and cake. Bra sizing isn't universal, and the Japanese F-cup is
apparently the equivalent of DD in the U.S. The F-Cup site also offers many,
many other breast-enhancement products, including, Pink
Nipple Lightening Cream, Bikini Area
Whitening Cream, and a host of other varieties of snake oil.

Back to the cookies: Each
individually wrapped cookie contains 50 milligrams of something called Pueraria
Mirifica, a "natural plant estrogen usually found in vegetables" that can give
you "larger, fuller, firmer breasts," "healthier menstruation," and "increased
vaginal secretion," among other things. What more could you ask, besides pinker
nipples? Well, hold your horses, because the site comes with a pretty massive
warning label:

Do not consume during pregnancy,
breastfeeding, menstruation, or if you have been diagnosed with medical
conditions of the ovaries, uterus, or breast. May cause loose bowels if taken in excess. Not for women under 21 years
of age. Does not promote weight loss.

That's really the tradeoff, isn't
it? Big boobs, or solid stool?

But what if you don't have
breasts, but have secretly longed to devour a set? Check out Oppai ("Big
Boobs") Jelly, a gelatin treat molded in the shape of breasts, including a
maraschino-cherry-like center for nipples. They come in a colorful,
innocuous-looking box that opens up to reveal a giant-eyed vixen with the jelly
where her boobs would be.

Taste: Peculiar. The cookies come in two flavors: Soy Milk
(plain) and Pralines And Chocolate; we tried Soy Milk, and they were generally
popular with tasters of both genders. They're designed to be paired with a lot
of water—to fill you up and increase your breast
size—so they're dry by design. But in general, it was a modest shortbread
cookie—kind of hard to screw up, even if you're loading it with sketchy "natural"
enhancement ingredients.

The Oppai Jelly had the
consistency of warm Jell-O, with a vague flavor that hovered somewhere around
citrus and/or strawberry. It was pretty mild, but the consistency was a big
turnoff for some of the tasters.

Office reactions:

F-Cup Cookies

—
"Butter cookie by way of dog biscuit."

— "Mmm, plant estrogen. These are actually pretty good."

— "Basically mild, dry shortbread cookies, not too sweet, and
kind of pleasantly crumbly. If I wanted bigger boobs and was terribly
constipated, it wouldn't be a chore to eat one or two of these a day."

— "It's the outside of a Fig
Newton."

— "I can see them growing!"

— "So this is the cookie for
constipated, small-breasted women?" "It's a niche market."

— "I put F-Cup cookies next to
mint M&Ms; as the tastiest thing we've done."

—
[Later.] "Boob cookie status report: Mouth is a little dry, boobs remain
unchanged."

— "The F-Cup cookies weren't tasty enough to make me not worry
about them. I felt like Anthony Michael Hall in Sixteen Candles when that girl feeds him
birth-control pills. 'Do you know what these can do to a guy?' Also, if you
read the box, it reads like 'Fuck-up cookies.'"

— "Loose stool is a
small price to pay for tasty, flaky cookies—and possibly, one day, perky
breasts. It was nice to Taste Test something that actually tasted good."

— "Cookies were
like soft biscuits. Not very sweet but not unpleasant either. Kind of what I imagine
lembas bread tastes like. [From Lord Of The Rings.]"

— "I don't think my
mom would like it if she found a box of these on my nightstand. She'd probably
think I was rubbing them on my junk."

Oppai Jelly:

— "It's not bad. It's like
tapioca Jell-O like you get at the bottom of a tapioca freeze."

— "It's like hospital Jell-O."

— "Eating it is fine; listening
to you talk about it is going to make me throw up."

— "There should be milk inside."

— "The texture just made me
absolutely gag. I had to leave the room."

— "It's surprisingly not
terrible."

— "The nipple was a little harder than the rest of the boob,
and way less slimy. But overall, not gross, and not good. It's a little weird
that horse hooves have been made into boob shapes, though."

— "I don't feel good, but I can't tell if it's the boob or
the boob cookie."

— "I think Jell-O is profoundly disgusting, but I kind of liked
these. Mildly fruity, soft, and sweet. Now we know what to feed Russ Meyer when
he runs out of teeth."

— "They're runny
and watery, but have a sweet fruit-like taste. I swear I've
tasted this jelly somewhere else before."

Where to get them: The F-Cup cookies are available in pharmacies and
stores around Japan. The Oppai Jelly is pretty common in similar places and Don
Quijote stores. Finding either Stateside will be tough, but it looks like it's
pretty easy to ship the F-Cup cookies here. You can also find them at EdibleUnique.com.