Live And Let Drink: Study Concludes That James Bond Has An Alcohol Problem

We all know how James Bond takes his drink: a martini, shaken not stirred (this guy isn't even afraid of bruising the gin!). But how often does he partake of that iconic cocktail?

The Washington Post reports, in his two dozen movies since 1962, "Bond— James Bond—was seen sipping on alcohol precisely 109 times, according to a new study published in the Medical Journal Of Australia." Unsurprisingly, the article was awarded joint first prize in the Medical Journal of Australia's 2018 Christmas competition, according to the University Of Otago.

By studying all the Bond movies (nice work if you can get it), researchers discovered that Bond's greatest binge involved 24 units of alcohol (6 Vespers, a cocktail that contained both gin and vodka, and used Kina Lillet in place of dry vermouth and lemon peel for an olive), which is "enough to kill some people." Not that martini-sipping ever slowed 007 down: "His hazardous activities after drinking included fights, vehicle chases, contact with dangerous animals"—such as a snake, a scorpion, and a komodo dragon—"and sex with enemies, sometimes with guns or knives in the bed."

Despite his escaping unscathed, the study concludes that "Bond should seek professional help and find alternatives to drinking for managing on-the-job stress." The toll that Bond's drinking is taking on his health was revealed by an onscreen medical scan that showed that his liver was not in great shape, and an MI6 report that indicated addiction issues.

With all of this evidence behind them, the study's authors helpfully suggest some more health-minded strategies for Mr. Bond. These include avoiding drinking on the job, "especially when tackling complex tasks such as aerial combat in helicopter gunships and de-activating nuclear weapons," and declining "social drinks with sexual partners who may want to disable, capture or kill him (that is nine out of 60 of them to date, or 15 percent)." Sure, but who wants to watch that movie?