"Stone Cold" Steve Austin Giving Up Beer Would Be Like Santa Giving Up Christmas

"Stone Cold" Steve Austin was the most popular professional wrestler in the 1990s, much of that from his reputation as an anti-authority, off-color, proud redneck who double-fisted beer in celebration.

Austin has been out of wrestling for 15 years now, and the unconfirmed rumors coming out last week that he had voluntarily abstained from beer was the type of spacetime fabric-ripping development that makes us question what's real and what's not—like, is pro wrestling just one huge put-on?

Austin would like to help reclaim some of your childhood innocence and clear up all the "bullshit rumors:" he's still drinking beer, just not right now.

"Hell man, I ain't give up no damn alcohol!"

Austin revealed on his podcast, The Steve Austin Show, that he's following a strict 2,700 calories-a-day diet, and that there's no room for wine, margaritas, or even one of Austin's Broken Skull IPAs, his collaboration with El Segundo Brewing Company.

Austin goes on to say: "I enjoy alcohol responsibly as an adult. And so therefore I will probably drink until my final day on Earth."

Never stop being our hero, Steve Austin.