Report: North Korea Might Not Give Up Nukes, But Will Consider A Burger Chain

I've worked here long enough to know that "not an Onion headline" is in fact the lowest form of humor, resting slightly below the pun. And yet... a CIA report circulating widely this morning seems go indicate that the proposed June 12 summit between the U.S. and North Korea is likely not going to end up the way Donald Trump would hope. NBC News reports that "a new U.S. intelligence assessment has concluded that North Korea does not intend to give up its nuclear weapons any time soon." This assessment casts "doubt on the viability of Trump's stated goal for the negotiations, the elimination of North Korea's nuclear weapons stockpile... 'Everybody knows they are not going to denuclearize,' said one intelligence official who read the report."

But hey, nobody said that North Korea wasn't going to offer anything. Included in what NBC calls possible "concessions" by North Korea in the CIA analysis is "the possibility that Kim Jong Un may consider offering to open a Western hamburger franchise in Pyongyang as a show of goodwill, according to three national security officials."

The carnivorous Trump has crowed loudly about his love for hamburgers and steak, and even suggested during his presidential campaign that he and Kim Jong Un should "talk nukes over a burger," according to NBC News. Where better than in a western-based fast-food restaurant in North Korea? Kim reasons that "the establishment could be used to provide food during the talks and would show that he was open to Western investment."

So, downside, North Korea will still have nukes. Upside, possibly also Western-style burgers, resulting in food fusion efforts like this Pyongyang Italian restaurant featuring pizza and spaghetti:

Sigh. This reasoning seems so ludicrous that it sadly fits right into today's bizarro news landscape.