Red Lobster Wants To Help You Throw The Worst Kind Of Party

The brand is promoting a Cheddar Bay biscuit gender reveal for expectant parents.

Reader's Digest reports that September 9 is "the most popular day to be born in America." That's not to be confused with September 4, which is the coolest, sexiest, wildest, most innovative day to be born. (September 4 is my birthday. Send expensive gifts!!!) With that in mind, expectant parents are sure to be gearing up for the most cursed child-rearing tradition of all time: the dreaded gender reveal. Now, Red Lobster is getting in on the fun with... gender-revealing Cheddar Bay biscuits. Talk about a bundle of joy.

In a press release sent to The Takeout, the brand writes: "With September right around the corner, lots of parents-to-be are looking for fun ways to celebrate their impending bundles of joy—such as a perfectly cheesy gender reveal!"

Per the video embedded above, the gender reveal in question goes thusly:

  • The expectant parent/s adds pink or blue food coloring to Cheddar Bay Biscuit dough.
  • The expectant parent/s encase the colorful dough in another, larger biscuit, Russian nesting doll-style, before baking both biscuits.
  • The expectant parent/s host a gender reveal party and give the biscuits to guests. When guests bite into the biscuits, they'll see either pink for a girl or blue for a boy. Because nothing says "my fetus has a penis" like a pile of aesthetically modified cheese biscuits.
  • Why does Red Lobster want expectant parents to serve their guests gendered biscuits? I don't know, but I suppose it's better than the alternative: engineering elaborate and sometimes deadly displays to celebrate your infant's genitals. Worst case scenario, you're left with a large pile of biscuits with unsettling pastel cores. Best case scenario, your Red Lobster–loving friends will leave raving about how they've never celebrated gender norms in such a delicious manner. Red Lobster makes one thing crystal clear: pink is for girls, blue is for boys, but biscuits are for everyone.