Royal Doctors Decide Queen Elizabeth Is "Too Old" To Get Krunk

The 95-year-old monarch is no longer allowed to have her nightly martini

Queen Elizabeth II is 95 years old, and has been working in service of the crown since the moment she was born. Like most people, I grew up thinking that a life of such preposterous privilege was a veritable fairy tale, but once I began researching and writing about the royals as an adult, I realized that all the jewels and wealth in the world could not compel me to switch places with the Queen. The woman has never known personal freedom and has carried the weight of the crown for nearly an entire century, so it's fully understandable why Lillibet is known to enjoy at least four cocktails a day. I'm pretty sure if most of us were in the same boat, four wouldn't be nearly enough.

The longest reigning British monarch has already blown well past the average British lifespan (a hearty 81 years!), and still maintains an active schedule as she plows towards the big one-oh-oh. When you've survived that long and worked that hard, you should be allowed to eat, drink, and do whatever the fuck you want. But once again the Queen is being forced to follow orders, as Vanity Fair has reported some fuddy-duddy doctors told her she's no longer allowed to drink alcohol.

Two Buckingham Palace insiders have leaked that the Queen's doctors ordered her to 86 the alcohol to make sure she remains as healthy as possible for her busy autumn schedule (the woman never rests!), and to help her stay alive until her Platinum Jubilee celebrations next June. Have none of these doctors considered that alcohol may be the thing that's kept the Queen alive and given her the patience to the same goddamn job every single day for 75 years?!

I'm not even half the Queen's age, and I have neither the patience nor strength to put up with 99.9% of the things she's been forced to deal with. For chrissakes, it's only been six months since her husband of 74 years died, and she's still out there smiling and waving like a trooper. Why can't the royal doctors just the woman just enjoy her damn martinis in peace? If Queen Elizabeth wants to start dropping acid and shotgunning cans of Guinness, let her. She's more than earned it.