This Pizza Hut Tree Topper Exists, And No, You Can't Have It

Other Pizza Hut holiday merch is available, but it's just not the same!

'Tis the season for corporations and conglomerates to spread holiday cheer the only way they know how: by selling branded (and festive!) swag. The moment Halloween ended, my inbox started filling up with news of ugly holiday sweaters, RanchNog (exactly what it sounds like), the return of ham-scented spa kits... pretty much everything you dreamed about when you were a kid. Today, Pizza Hut is unveiling its tres chic holiday capsule collection for 2021, pictured below.

Even if the idea turning your holiday into a literal commercial has never appealed to you, I'm 99% positive that you want that Pizza Hut tree topper in the photo above, don't you? I most certainly do, even though I grew up on the Pizza Hut–less streets of Brooklyn and have maybe had Pizza Hut five times in my entire life. The classy-kitsch aesthetic appeal of that stained-glass tree topper is irresistible; its resemblance to the old light fixtures that hung above each booth is positively uncanny, and I'd like to buy five. And guess what? I can't even buy one of these damn things because they aren't for sale.

Do I care about putting my family in matching Pizza Hut pajamas? Absolutely not. I do sincerely appreciate the Pizza Hut ornaments hung on that tree, but mostly I'm distracted by the beauty that crowns this lush Douglas Fir. Do I want to wrap my gifts in checkered-tablecloth-patterned wrapping paper? Of course I do, but not as badly as I want to turn the centerpiece of my holiday display into a booth at the chain restaurants of yesteryear.

If you have a Pizza Hut-loving person in your life, I'm sure they'd love one of those $39.99 matching pajama sets, or the $29.99 set of Pizza Hut ornaments, which does include a miniature version of the stained-glass light fixture, with which we'll have to make do until Pizza Hut sees fit to make the tree topper a reality for the rest of us. Those red-stippled wine and rocks glasses (each $19.99 for a set of 2) are pretty damn classy, and for the kid in your life (definitely not you), there's an $8.99 Matchbox play set, complete with delivery car. You can buy any of these fine non-tree topping items starting today at PizzaHutShop.com while supplies last, and if you do, please include a note about that tree topper with your order. I swear I will have one on my tree next Christmas... or else.

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