Is This A Good Time To Douse People In Wine? A Helpful Guide

Kevork Djansezian / Stringer/Getty Images
By  Allison Shoemaker

After winning an Oscar for playing Freddie Mercury's teeth in Bohemian Rhapsody (and not cracking open his skull in the process), Rami Malek headed out on the town to celebrate. One stop on the party train: the engraving room at the Governor's Ball, where, while he waited for the statuette honoring his performance, he picked up a bottle of Piper-Heidsieck Champagne Rare, shook it up, and let 'er rip.

Fun! Festive! "And that's how you win an Oscar!" Malek is an extremely talented guy steadily filling the trophy closet in his palace or wherever he lives with honors for Bohemian Rhapsody and Mr. Robot; it's likely that over the course of his career, the trend will continue.

But this was a big night for him! Of course he wanted to celebrate. And why not do so by moisturizing the clothing of those around them with some sweet French nectar?

To help us answer this question, below is a guide as to when it might be appropriate to douse people in wine. Are you currently in any of the following situations?

  • You've just won the NBA Finals and you and your teammates are about to take a shower anyway
  • You've just won some other sporting event and you and your teammates are about to take a shower anyway
  • You're at a rich person pool party and are about to jump in the pool anyway
  • You're at a rich person get-sprayed-with-champagne party and it's your turn
  • You are a Real Housewife of some metropolitan area or other and can safely assume that those around you are prepared to have wine tossed in their general direction at any time of day or night
  • The person you are with is covered in fire ants and there's no water around and for some reason the only way you can think to remove them is to rinse them off
  • The people around you have just chanted, in unison, "SPRAY THE CHAMPAGNE! [clap clap clap-clap-clap] SPRAY THE CHAMPAGNE! [clap clap clap-clap-clap]"

    • If you answered yes, proceed with enthusiasm. If not, stop and ask yourself these questions:

    • Are the people around me prepared to get sprayed with wine?
    • Are they wearing very expensive clothing, some of it rented, some of it one-of-a-kind, all of it very very nice?
    • Am I celebrating with people who are in on the celebration—teammates, family, co-workers? Or are they just nearby?
    • Are any of those people, perhaps, working?
    • Did some of those people have to pay professionals to do their hair and makeup for the evening? Do they have such professionals close at hand?
    • Is there electrical equipment directly above me?

      • To be fair to Rami Malek, the reporters, photographers, engravers, and other professionals around him don't seem all that bothered—not that we can see every face, but the photographers, at least, were probably just excited to get good photos. (This one seems to have been, even if his expensive gear is all sticky.) And Malek does seems to have given everyone some space to back up. It's not that this is a deliberately dickish move. But it is an inadvertently dickish one. This isn't an NBA game, the Portland Trail Blazers have not just won the Finals, and you are not Damian Lillard. The Academy Awards are an expensive place to be, and no one's headed to the showers. Be cool, man.

      Maybe it's better to just drink the stuff, or spray it on yourself. Hell, ask someone else to spray it on you. That would make a hell of a story. Great pictures, too.

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