How Much F*cking Creme Is In These F*cking Oreo Thins Extra Stuf Cookies?
A new Oreo release sends one writer into a mathematical tailspin.
You know, I didn't think I'd be forced to do math this morning, but life's full of little surprises. I'll explain: per PEOPLE, Oreo is adding a new cookie to its permanent portfolio next year: Oreo Thins Extra Stuf. If you're unfamiliar, Oreo Thins are the skinny version of the original cookie, with thinner wafers and approximately 66% less creme filling than the original. Now, Oreo is releasing Thins Extra Stuf cookies with nearly double the amount of creme filling currently present in Oreo Thins.
God, what a headache. Let's break this down.
First, a brief taxonomy of OREO thicknesses:
1. Oreo classic = the standard Oreo
2. Double Stuf Oreos = 2x the creme filling of a standard Oreo
3. Most Stuf Oreos = 4x the creme filling of a standard Oreo
4. Oreo Thins = 66% less creme filling than a standard Oreo
5. Oreo Thins Extra Stuf = 2x the creme filling of Oreo Thins
Next, an introduction to Oreo Thins Extra Stuf
Oreo Thins were first released in July 2015 with only 40 calories per cookie. Once again, they contain 66% less creme filling than a standard Oreo. The wafers on either side of the creme filling are also thinner, creating a lower-calorie, snappier experience for people who are into that sort of thing.
At some point, consumers of Oreo Thins started demanding thicker Oreo Thins. They didn't want to go the full monty and reach for original Oreos, but they wanted more creme filling for their buck. Fine. Okay.
Enter Oreo Thins Extra Stuf, which PEOPLE says "will feature nearly double the amount of smooth, delicious creme sandwiched inside Oreo Thins' signature crispy wafer." The offering will be available nationwide beginning in January.
Where does this leave us, mathematically? If Oreo Thins have 66% less creme than a standard Oreo, and Oreo Thins Extra Stuf have twice the amount of creme as Oreo Thins, how in the shit are we supposed to figure out the amount of creme in a goddamn Oreo Thins Extra Stuf cookie? Do they contain 33% less Stuf than the original? Or, if 0.66 x 2 = 1.32, are they SLIGHTLY LARGER THAN THE ORIGINAL?
Can anyone get my high school algebra teacher on the horn? Mrs. Flores, I'm sorry I accidentally knocked you down at the blood drive while I was wearing the giant blood drop costume. I promise to pay attention this time.