Men Shouldn't Have More Than One Drink Per Day, Say Buzzkill Scientists

Since 1990, the U.S. Dietary Guidelines have recommended that men should limit themselves to two drinks per day. Women, meanwhile, have been encouraged to limit their own alcohol consumption to one drink per day. Now, though, just in time for The End of Days, experts are recommending that when the guidelines are updated later this year, the limit for men should be slashed to one drink per day, because there isn't enough evidence to support the idea that men and women handle alcohol intake any differently.

According to The Associated Press, a committee of medical experts convened by the federal government made their recommendation public on Wednesday, citing research that links alcohol consumption with numerous causes of death, including heart disease, cancer, and car accidents.

"As a nation, our collective health would be better if people generally drank less," said Dr. Timothy Naimi, an alcohol researcher at Boston University. He noted that people who regularly consume two drinks a day have increased risk of death compared to those who drink one or no alcoholic beverages a day. While he admits that the increase in mortality is not extreme, it is notable enough for the committee to be convinced that the change is needed.

For those of you who are already hard at work trying to find loopholes to exploit: One drink means one 12-ounce can of beer, a 5-ounce glass of wine, or a 1-ounce shot of liquor. Naimi stressed that this doesn't mean you can skip a drink today so that you can have two tomorrow: the recommendation is one drink for every one day. It was also noted that these are recommended limits, not recommended servings—the report does not suggest that everyone should start drinking alcohol every day for dietary reasons, because the report is way ahead of you and your desperate rationalizations. Sorry, fellas.