Please Don't Stick Your Genitals In Apple Cider Vinegar

There are a thousand excellent uses for apple cider vinegar. It adds zip to salads, brightens up beverages, turns plain soda water into an invigorating tonic, and, if certain corners of the internet are to believed, acts as a miracle cure for any and all ailments, like a magic potion at a price of two bucks per bottle. And if apple cider vinegar is really as miraculous as people say, then theoretically, dunking your junk in it will surely cause your penis to grow to stupendous proportions... right?

Mysterious pop-up ads touting the theoretical "enhancing" powers of apple cider vinegar have been appearing on porn sites, convincing gullible folks that they can increase the size of their penis by a whopping 65%. Vice provides a harrowing description of some of these ads (don't say we didn't warn you):

"In one, an illustration of a disembodied, veiny dick is shoved into a Bragg's apple cider vinegar bottle, with the text above it saying, 'This Weird Trick Makes Any Penis Increase by 65%.' The dick is supposed to be huge, but it fits into the mouth of the vinegar bottle, which in real life is only about three inches in circumference (for the 16 ounce bottle). In another version, a tiny hand pours apple cider vinegar over another dick—although this time it's way beyond average, because it's drawn bigger than the Bragg bottle, which is eight inches tall and about six inches wide.

That is... something. Wow. I'm pretty sure that sticking your genitals in a bottle of vinegar is a really bad idea, but then again, I'm not a scientist. Thankfully, Mic spoke to a doctor about this thick-dick-quick trend, so I didn't need track one down to ask these questions myself. (Most doctors I know refuse to take my calls after I tried to get their opinions about sticking potatoes up butts.)

"Men will do anything to increase the size of their penis," Nashville based urologist Joseph Pazona told Mic. (Good to know!) "Since apple cider vinegar is acidic, this could cause severe irritation or inflammation of the urethra." (Also good to know!)

If you're still on the fence about whether or not to quick-pickle your dick, Pazona adds that currently there are no scientifically proven therapies that can turn a petit cornichon into a big honkin' dilly of a pickle, so jamming it into an apple cider vinegar bottle will be a fruitless endeavor. And if you haven't started feeling a bit faint at the prospect of inflamed urethras, check out what you can do with kidney beans.