Latest Tactic To Ward Off Asshole Seagulls Straight Out Of Planet Earth

We say this with no equivocation: Seagulls are the worst. They shriek incessantly. They find a way to shit all over you. They eat garbage. They taste like garbage. Leave your hotel window open with pepperoni nearby and they destroy the room. Seagulls are truly Mother Nature's appendix.

It shouldn't surprise you that here at The Takeout, we welcome any story illustrating mankind's struggle against the flying raccoon. A few weeks ago, we learned of a restaurant in Australia equipping diners with squirt guns to shoo away seagulls.

We're delighted to bring you the latest strategy, courtesy of the BBC. It comes after a school in the Welsh coastal town of Porthmadog had to employ a weapon, which sounds like a scene from Planet Earth: falcons!

Apologies for our nuisance bird ignorance, but is using falcons to ward off seagulls, like, a standard tactic? We've heard of malls using fake birds-of-prey (with accompanying loud shrieking at regular intervals), but a real-life, badass falcon, scaring off seagulls like the garbage-swallowing knobheads they are? Apparently it is a thing!

The falcon method of warding off seagulls is Takeout-approved. Every government from San Francisco to Daytona Beach should set aside budget to purchase falcons. We can even make them wear aviator caps! Point is, falcons are dope, and seagulls can go straight to hell.