Let's Discuss Juicy Marbles, The Meatless Steak Made In A "Meat-O-Matic Reverse Grinder 9000"

As an adult woman who loves lowbrow humor, I exist in a self-constructed prison of Oingo Boingo songs, bad butt/boob jokes, and Little League anthems about slidin' into home. So you can imagine the restraint it's taking for me to report just the facts when faced with a brand called Juicy Marbles. Here goes: Juicy Marbles has reportedly created the world's first line of raw, plant-based steaks, starting with an ultra-tender Filet Mignon. Okay, phew.

The brand was founded by a food technologist, microbiologist, and bio-technologist who, according to a press release, created their line of steaks without "printing, GMOs, or laboratory alterations." The brand's co-founders achieved this with something called the Meat-o-matic Reverse Grinderâ„¢ 9000 (JUICY MARBLES! MEAT-O-MATIC!! I CAN'T DO THIS!!!) that mimics the muscle texture and marbling of meat by "aligning and layering fibers from the bottom up with all-natural ingredients." Co-founder Luka Sincek wrote:

"The most expensive steaks in the world are known for their lush marbling. It takes a lot of energy and a rare breed of cow to attain that. With plant meat, we control it and, thus, over time, can scale up our steak production and bring down the price. Eventually, we'll be able to make the most premium meats attainable for everyone."

Juicy Marbles CEO Tilen Travnik adds: "We can't expect a necessary global diet shift towards plant-based without a wide variety of plant meats that will not only enable the continuation of culinary traditions, but also enable a well-balanced and wholesome diet."

I do need to point out the discourse around plant-based steaks. A few years back, food writer Alicia Kennedy wrote that "convenience and familiarity are dubious drivers of the food economy." While meatless products like Juicy Marbles (!!!!!!) are certainly convenient and familiar, they're still highly processed and financially unobtainable (a 600-gram Juicy Marbles tenderloin retails for $147, or roughly $36 per portion).

Regardless, if you'd like to squeeze/taste/lick/sear your own Juicy Marble, the steaks are now available on the Juicy Marbles website. For a limited time, the steaks will ship direct-to-consumer to 48 states and throughout Europe.