Joey Chestnut Breaks Hot Dog-Eating Record; America Is Great Again

Yesterday, while you lit sparklers, grilled burgers, and got #starspangledhammered, American hero Joey Chestnut shoved 74 water-soaked hot dogs into his mouth in 10 minutes, breaking his previous world record of 72. In the process, American supremacy in the global order has been restored.

Chestnut's performance at the annual Nathan's Hot Dog Eating Contestis on the level of an early-aughts-Tiger-Woods or a 2012-Serena-Williams; the second-place challenger choked down a paltry 45 hot dogs. (I hope Chestnut later spiked one of those franks in the dude's face while a bald eagle shat on the rest of the competition.)

You may say that competitive gluttony and wastefulness is nothing to be proud of, but right now, I'll take whatever I can get in terms of American dominance. For comparison: