Have Yourself A Hidden Valley Ranch Halloween

Ranch dressing makes the perfect costume AND trick-or-treating giveaway.

We're two weeks into September (and one month into Pumpkin Spice season), which means that it's time to start thinking about the holidays. And wouldn't it be great if there were a brand that could help us take all the guesswork out of Halloween, Thanksgiving, and Christmas in one fell swoop? Well, it seems our prayers have been answered, because such a brand does exist, and it goes by the name of Hidden Valley Ranch. Truly, is there any problem that ranch dressing cannot solve?

The Hidden Valley Ranch online store has become a one-stop-shop for the finest in ranch-related merchandise, with a little something for everybody: sippy cups for babies, seductive high-cut swimsuits for sexy people, and, of course, whimsical holiday sweaters that can be enjoyed by people of all faiths. If this shop wasn't already on your radar, well, consider your holiday shopping done. For a stress-free Thanksgiving, strategically placing a few ranch-filled gravy boats around the table will cover up any culinary mishaps, and if the Hidden Valley Ranch Dressing Fountain ever comes back in stock, you can probably dispense with cooking altogether. Crudités for all!

With Christmas and Thanksgiving settled, all we need is a ranch-based way to conquer Halloween, and as always, Hidden Valley is on it. For $40, you can strut around your neighborhood dressed up like a giant bottle of salad dressing, inspiring all the local boys and girls to dream of a future where they're just as cool as you are.

Want to earn even more street cred with the neighborhood youths? Then skip the candy this year and give trick-or-treaters packets of ranch dressing instead. Yes, with its Treat-Sized Ranch Packets, Hidden Valley is advocating for a new Halloween tradition altogether, one that's creamy and goes well with pizza. For $20, you can get a bag of 30 individual condiment cups, each shaped like a mini bottle of ranch. "Give those Halloween trick-or-treaters a scary good surprise they'll never forget," reads the promotional copy, sounding either like an endorsement or a threat. Do you dare?