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Want Better Boners? Go Vegan

People, we regret to inform you that the meaty man foods you love are killing your boners. Steaks, wings, bacon—all boner killers. You may find this hard to believe, since for your whole lives, meat has been marketed as a symbol of virility. Men are hunters! Big beefy hunters that can kill any animal alive, drag it home to their woman, and be hailed as a hero. There is nothing manly about foraging for berries, even if there are twigs attached. But, alas, that marketing was just that: marketing.

The new-to-Netflix documentary The Game Changers—from the same man who brought us Aliens and Terminator 2—has made headlines as it examines the link between meat and physical prowess, analyzing meat's effects on strength, muscle building, and boners. In one of the documentary's experiments, conducted by Dr. Aaron Spitz, author of The Penis Book and urologist to the stars, three college athletes are fed meat-filled burritos, then strapped to a boner measuring machine that monitors the girth, frequency, and duration of their boners as they sleep. (The psych experiments we recall participating in during college only involved worksheets.)

The following day, the athletes are given a vegan burrito made with faux meats, and the boner test is repeated. The results are, shall we say, quite impressive.

The results probably shouldn't come as a shock, as some of the leading causes of erectile dysfunction are heart disease, clogged blood vessels, high cholesterol, high blood pressure, obesity and metabolic syndrome—conditions that are known to be linked to meat consumption.

This is but one (very dramatic) experiment, and the documentary's anti-meat stance is not without its critics. Its message—partially backed up by more rigorous science—is clear, though:If a beefier boner is what you're after, go easy on the beef. Consider going vegan on days when you're expected to give a big performance. Eat more zucchini, carrots, avocados, and bananas, all of which have been trying to warn you about all of this for years.