Only You Can Stop The Scourge Of Unseasoned Chicken

I'm not here to alarm anyone, but there is a crisis spreading in kitchens across America. Every day, an unknown number of citizens silently cook their chicken without any seasoning. They may even serve this chicken to others. But absent any government action on this emergency, there is something each of us concerned cooks can do to help stop this scourge.

We can properly season or marinate our chicken, and teach others to do the same. The power is in our hands.

Why address this now? Because, if this viral tweet is any evidence, the unseasoned chicken epidemic has reached a staggering level of severity. We thought perhaps Oprah had stopped the threat of flavorless chicken in its tracks, but no. Today Twitter user @corihealey found thousands of takers when she asked people to join her in despair over her boyfriend's roommate's horrifying unseasoned baked chicken.

Thankfully, The Takeout editors can share the few, simple precautions all of us can take to avoid rubbery, dry, under-seasoned poultry. If you don't have days to follow the tried-and-true, salt-rubbed method, try these super-easy flavor additions in a pinch:

  • Marinate chicken breast in a zip-top bag filled with bottled Italian dressing.
  • Slather chicken in a mixture of half mayo, half dijon mustard, then bake it.
  • Shellac the chicken in butter before roasting.
  • Marinate chicken in plain Greek yogurt plus any vaguely Mediterranean herbs and spices you have on hand.
  • Roast the chicken with the absolute simplest trio: olive oil, lemon juice, garlic.
  • My fellow Americans, seasoned chicken is our unalienable right. And rights, we must remember, require constant defense from the forces who would seek to strip us of them. There is no excuse for unseasoned chicken in a world where handy flavor packets exist. Please do not let this threat go unanswered.