Donald Trump Calls Upon Everyone (Except Him) To Boycott Coca-Cola

Disgraced one-term president Donald J. Trump is back in the news, months after losing the 2020 election by a whopping 7,060,140 votes. To make it easier to visualize what a massive loss that is, that number is greater than the populations of Wyoming, Vermont, North Dakota, South Dakota, Alaska, Delaware, Rhode Island, Maine, and Montana, and the entire city of Atlanta, Georgia combined.

Trump has gone relatively quiet in recent months, perhaps due to the combination of having his social media platforms revoked and the likelihood of getting sued for eleventy bajillion dollars. So what's gotten the former president back in the news? Coca-Cola, of course.

Trump is well known for his devotion to Diet Coke. He had a special red button installed on the Oval Office Resolute Desk which, when pressed, summoned a butler with an ice-cold bottle of Diet Coke on a silver tray. Diet Coke is so sacred to Trump that there's even a special procedure for staff to follow when serving it: the bottle must be opened in Trump's presence with a longneck bottle opener, which the butler must hold by the lower third of the handle. The Diet Coke bottle—which must also be held by its lower third—is then poured into a glass and placed at Trump's right-hand side. (In case this is too difficult for any staff serving the ex-president to follow, there's a helpful guide with at least four photo illustrations.) But on Saturday it appeared that the love affair had ended: Trump called for a boycott of all Coca-Cola products in response to the company voicing its objections to Georgia's restrictive new voting laws.

"For years the Radical Left Democrats have played dirty by boycotting products when anything from that company is done or stated in any way that offends them. Now they are going big time with the WOKE CANCEL CULTURE and our sacred elections," Trump wrote in a statement on Saturday released by Save America PAC.

"It is finally time for Republicans and Conservatives to fight back—we have more people than they do— by far!" continued the statement. "Boycott Major League Baseball, Coca-Cola, Delta Airlines, JPMorgan Chase, ViacomCBS, Citigroup, Cisco, UPS and Merck. Don't go back to their products until they relent. We can play a better game than them." (We will not be linking directly to this statement as to spare your browser history.)

Incredibly, it seems that Trump has given up his favorite drink for good, and... wait a second, what is this?

A photo taken in Trump's Mar-a-Lago office was tweeted just days ago by noted white nationalist and Trump horcrux Stephen Miller, who posted it with the caption, "Just had a terrific meeting with President Trump!" But lo, what is that hiding behind the Florida man's telephone?

Heavens to Betsy Ross, is that Diet Coke? The Independent shared the intel, gathered by scrupulous Twitter users after the original photo was posted. While I can't make out the bottle in its entirety, it does have the same exact shape as a glass Coca-Cola bottle, and its label happens to have the same signature color palate as Diet Coke. Will this embarrassing photo will finally convince Trump to kick his 12-pack-a-day habit? Probably not. That would require the human capability to feel embarrassment.