Days Since Trump Last Consumed A Cheeseburger: 17

Flaunting the Zen-like self-control for which he is known, President Trump has reportedly gone more than two weeks without consuming a cheeseburger.

Newsweek reports that after the president's doctor ordered him to drop a few pounds, Trump has incorporated more fish, salads, and soups into his diet, which was previously made up of taco bowls, pink Starburst, and kiddie pools of Diet Coke. A source familiar with the president's eating habits tells Newsweek it's been two weeks since Trump ate a cheeseburger.

Staffers have been able to convince the president to eat more healthfully through a variety of dietary practices, including putting broccoli on a fork that makes zoomie noises like an airplane, and cutting fish filets into dinosaur shapes.

Lest we assume that Trump's hangriness is to blame for recent White House staffing chaos, vacillating pronouncements on gun control, and all-caps rants about steel, staffers tell Bloomberg he feels he is "thriving" on his new diet. Much like a caged gorilla eventually adjusts to the cabbage heads lobbed over his fence by zookeepers, Trump has adapted to his new, more plant-focused diet.

The regimen does allow one "cheat day" per week, which he spends inhaling bacon and drinking the blood of DACA recipients.