Finally, Your Dog, Houseplant, And Shower Wall Can Hold Your Beer For You

Coors Light is taking the phrase “hold my beer” literally with a whole new merch collection.

It feels like every single major food and beverage corporation has jumped on the swag train, and why shouldn't they? Not only are these multi-billion-dollar companies getting free advertising—they're convincing their loyal customers to pay for the privilege.

On paper this should be the sort of racket that drives our raging capitalist society even further into an abyss of cynicism, but honestly, how are we, the people, supposed to resist the clever likes of White Castle–themed PUMAS or Cheetos-branded adult onesies? And this corporate swag isn't just intended to make us look good. Some of them are also interested in making our lives easier and more efficient, or at least 10% more ridiculous.

The newest example of this genre is Coors Light's "Hold My Coors" merch collection, full of products that will hold your beer for you, thus freeing your hands to do any number of other hand-centric activities. There are six items in the collection:

  • The Chill Master Grilling Apron, so you never have to choose between being an attentive grill master or experiencing the thrill of ice-cold refreshment.
  • A Beer Holder Hoodie, because even when you're feeling a little chilly, you still want your beer to be as chill as the Rocky Mountains.
  • The Man's Best Friend Beer Jacket (pictured above) allows your slacker dog to finally contribute something positive to your walks.
  • If you don't have a dog, there's a House Plant Beer Holder, because if you're taking time out of your busy schedule to fetch them water, the least they can do is hold your beer.
  • A Softball Mitt Beer Holder. As any adult who has ever participated in a recreational league can tell you, softball and sobriety were never meant to go together. (Note that the mitt itself is not included.)
  • And for all those people out there for whom shower beer is "a thing" (it's surprisingly popular?), Coors is legitimizing this ritual with an official Shower Beer Holder.
  • The entire collection can be found over at Do any of these items have the potential to fill a swag-shaped hole in your life? Let us know if you plan on purchasing any of these, either for yourself or a loved one.