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Mmmmmm, Clam Candy Canes

There's an art to the gag gift. It's got to be just weird enough to be an obvious joke, and not so weird that it freaks people out. Enter Archie McPhee, the Seattle-based novelty company behind such items as the William Shakespeare action figure and Bigfoot bandages. That's sort of the company's whole deal, and that's doubly true around the holidays, thanks to its "oh, hell no" line of candy canes in weird, mostly savory flavors.


They are not good, but that does not mean you should not buy them. I speak from experience.

First, these are the two the new weirdo candy canes Archie McPhee is offering this year: mac and cheese candy canes, and "Clamdy Canes," which as you can probably guess from both the headline above and the portmanteau, are clam candy canes. The mac and cheese canes are probably pretty weird but not insanely horrible, as cheese and sweet things can get along very well together (cheesecake being just one of many examples). The clam ones, however, are enough to make a person—okay, this person—feel a little squicked out. Clams and candy do not belong together. No way. Neither do gravy and candy, which is where my personal experience comes in.


I have zero regrets about buying gravy candy canes in order to piss my partner the hell off. It was wonderful and I'd do it again today, except now he'd be suspicious and I'd never pull it off as a surprise. Because I'm kind of an asshole sometimes, I took them out of the box and put them in with a bunch of other candy I was giving him, then I got him to eat one and watched the experience play out live. First it was weird, but fine. Then he started trying to figure out what the flavor was. Then it got bad, and then he figured out it was turkey-adjacent, and then he was pissed. Amused, but pissed. As is only fair, I tried one, too, and now I know what a bullion cube would taste like it if was made out of sugar.

That's not a bad experience to have. It's not a good one, but it's an interesting one. And the laughs were definitely worth the asking price. Will I buy Clamdy Canes? Probably not. He'd be too wary. Should you? I don't know, do you like weird-tasting things, giggles, and being an asshole? If so, then yes, yes you should. Come on, these are stupid and great:


From the personified clam on the package to the clam taste, you'll wonder how Christmas existed without Clamdy Canes. They're a candy clamity! We all celebrate holidays in our own way and if your holiday tastes like the sea, this is for you. Add a little sand for extra clam realness. If anyone complains, just tell them to clam up.


They also have coal candy canes, which are kind of accidentally trendy.