Shocking Chipotle Wellness Study Finds Americans Aren't Getting Ripped In Quarantine

Chipotle has announced the results of a study done in partnership with market research group YouGov to "better understand how consumer food behavior and patterns have shifted during this unprecedented time of social distancing," and the results are the exactly the same ones they would have gotten by just calling me. Here's what they found:

  • People are "struggling to maintain healthy patterns," and by "struggling," I'm assuming they meant "filling their mouths with Cheez Doodles to prevent themselves from screaming."
  • 67% of Americans are trying to avoid or limit heading to the grocery store. I'm surprised that number isn't higher, because on my few trips into Baltimore-area supermarkets in the past month, I've been tempted to clip an outstretched tape measure to my belt and demonstrate to fellow shoppers what "six feet of space" means.
  • Almost half of Americans aren't maintaining a regular workout schedule. If you've checked the stats on this, you know that this has absolutely nothing to do with coronavirus. The closure of gyms nationwide has just provided a very reasonable excuse for half of us.
  • Over a third of Americans are struggling to maintain a healthy lifestyle. Only a third of people are fessing up to this? Anyone out there who claims not to be emotional-eating as a way to cope with isolation and/or being trapped indoors with screaming children is lying. Have you ever tried to comfort yourself with broccoli? Of course you haven't.
  • 36% are eating more junk food than before social distancing. I submit that 64% of people are in denial.
  • I don't know how much Chipotle paid YouGov for this study (which surveyed 1,175 adults), but if the company needs any more insights into the way America is eating, it can just Venmo me a few hundred bucks and I'll provide some honest answers. If America is eating a little bit like garbage, well, then for the foreseeable future it should feel free to go right on eating that way, because we are currently living in "smoke 'em if you got 'em" times. It is important not to overdo it, though, because binge eating junk food is not good for any of us, physically or mentally. We still need to make time for fruits, vegetables, and fiber, and do our best to set limits for our indulgences. For example, I've recently decreased my ice cream consumption from one pint a day to only 1/3 a pint a day.


    So now that Chipotle has gathered these facts and figures, how is the restaurant chain responding to them? According to a press release, by "partnering with an inspiring roster of wellness influencers to create five new Lifestyle Bowls to help fans get back on track with their dietary goals." After you take in the menu below, feel free to explain to me who these people are in the comments, because I am in the wrong demographic for this press release.

    • Chris Brickley Bowl: brown rice, double chicken, fresh tomato salsa, roasted chili corn salsa, cheese, lettuce and guac
    • Cody Rigsby Salad: Supergreens lettuce, light brown rice, double chicken, fajita veggies, fresh tomato salsa, tomatillo-green chili salsa and guac
    • Dr. Mark Hyman Salad: Supergreens lettuce, brown rice, black beans, chicken, fajita veggies, fresh tomato salsa, tomatillo-green chili salsa and guac
    • Tia-Clair Toomey Bowl: white rice, black beans, chicken, fajita veggies, fresh tomato salsa, cheese, lettuce and guac
    • Mat Fraser Bowl: white rice, black beans, double chicken, tomatillo red-chili salsa, roasted chili-corn salsa, sour cream, extra cheese and guac