Busch Wants To Give Your Lazy, Freeloading Dog An Actual Paying Job [Updated]

Update, May 24, 2021: The winner of the Busch's Dog Brew contest is a dog named Ethan, who is now the official "Chief Tasting Officer." The winnings come with $20,000, 10 four-packs of dog brew, and an $800 pre-paid card to be used for pet insurance. While all the other canine contenders are allowed to be disappointed in their loss, Ethan's story is a harrowing one, but ultimately uplifting.

Ethan was abandoned and left to die in the parking lot of Kentucky Humane Society's Main Campus in January. Busch wrote a post on Facebook saying that he had a "fur-rific resume and story that will inspire us for years to come." The details of his abandonment are upsetting (just a heads up before you click on the link), but that's all the more reason to celebrate this Good Boy.

"Ethan is known for inspiring those in his local community and will continue to inspire more as our official Dog Brew Chief Tasting Officer," Busch said. "Please give him a round of apPAWS!" Groans aside, congratulations, Ethan. May you drink as much porky dog beer (broth) as you wish, and always be happy.

Original Post, April 13, 2021: I once tried to explain the concept of work to my dog. I decided he needed to understand why I spend so much time every day sitting at my desk in front of a computer instead of playing with him.

"If I spend all day writing this stuff called 'content,'" I told him, "in return, they give me money, which I can then use to buy you food and toys. That's where the food and toys come from, from me sitting at my desk in front of the computer instead of playing with you."

We were on a walk at the time. Just after I finished my little speech, he found something off the path that smelled interesting. By the time he finished investigating, I'm sure he had completely forgotten what we were talking about. Work does not interest him. Or maybe being a pet and supplying unconditional love is more labor than I realize.

This morning, though, I learned about what may be the greatest canine job opportunity going right now. Busch Beer is looking for a canine CTO, a chief tasting officer, for its Busch Dog Brew line (which is really nonalcoholic pork broth). The CTO has some serious responsibilities: testing new products, leading the expansion of the flavor portfolio, and serving as a brand ambassador. The salary is 20,000 bones, er, dollars, plus pet insurance and all the Busch Dog Brew one dog can drink. (I don't know, that seems a little low to me considering the level of responsibility, but maybe there's room to negotiate. Dogs are good at that.)

Per a press release, "In order to fetch this position, some qualifications include a refined palate, an outstanding sense of smell, and while not required, proficiency in English would be remarkable."

To apply, dogs must post their photos on Facebook, Twitter, or Instagram with the hashtag #BuschCTOContest and a brief explanation of why they have the qualities of a great CTO. (The official rules say nothing about getting help from humans, so I'm assuming that's okay.) The contest runs from April 13 through April 28. May the best dog win! But not my Joe, because when I asked him if he wanted to be a CTO, he let out a big whine, which I think means hell no. Or maybe just, "Take me for a walk and then we can discuss it."