Budweiser Releases Holiday Cans And I Found Ways To Be Offended By Them

It has been five long years since Starbucks unwittingly entered The War on Christmas by issuing holiday cups that were "not festive enough." No holly, no snowflakes, no eight-pound, six-ounce newborn infant Jesus, nothing. Just a solid field of red... red like the blood of Santa's elves, spilt across the snowbanks of the North Pole by marauding gangs of coastal elites. Dear God, will this cursed war ever end?

We are now a darker, colder world. We know the heathen havoc that beverage containers can bring, and we must remain ever vigilant if Christmas has a chance of surviving! Budweiser has just released four limited-edition cans to celebrate the holiday season, all of which look cute and innocent enough, but if you stop being a brainwashed sheep and open your eyes, you'll be able to see what's really going on. See the Clydesdales? Seems awful suspicious that Budweiser is showing horses instead of reindeer this time of year, hmmm? Or how about that adorable Dalmatian puppy, whose oh-so-cute spots are actually a series of coded dots that, when connected in just the precise way, spell out out "SECULARISM ROCKS" to those sharp enough to detect it. That clock tower on the leftmost can? That's where they filmed Eyes Wide Shut, probably. And take a closer look at who's driving that sleigh... look familiar?! I haven't even seen the backs of these cans yet, and I'm already terrified. What if these heretical cans ruin Christmas for us all?!

Just kidding. Find the limited edition holiday cans wherever Budweiser is sold.