Nick Offerman, Painted Bronze, Slowly Sips Lagavulin At A Chicago Blackhawks Game

This is one of those rare, perfect occasions on which the essence of this story can really, truly be communicated by the headline alone. Nick Offerman, painted bronze, slowly sipped Lagavulin at a Chicago Blackhawks game. That's it. That's what happened. Look at the picture. That's the story. Of course, we can provide more context, and that is the business of this article, but please do not forget that, should you prefer to do something else with your time, you already know everything you need to know. Should you prefer to read about dipping peanut butter sandwiches in chili, we're all set here. If not, read on.

The once and forever star of the world's best yule log video last night recreated that experience before a Chicago Blackhawks game. The "statue induction ceremony" (hence the bronze), hosted by former Blackhawks Patrick Sharp and Adam Burrish, began when a curtain unveiled the "statue," which was, I remind you, actually just Nick Offerman, painted bronze. Then the "statue" proceeded to slowly sip whiskey—like, very slowly—for 45 freakin' minutes. Is this brand marketing? Absolutely. Does that make it less deliriously weird? No.

There's video of the event, which unfortunately can't be embedded, but you can watch it on Lagavulin's Facebook page. Later, Offerman did a shoot-the-puck contest, but again, who cares, he was covered in bronze paint and sipping whiskey for 45 minutes.

Lagavulin is a good whiskey, Nick Offerman is a cool dude, Ron Swanson would never, and the Blackhawks lost to the Calgary Flames, 3-2. That concludes this piece of journalism. Happy holidays.