Biden Continues Rollback Of Trump-Era Policies, Eliminates Emergency Diet Coke Button

Being president of the United States has its perks. You live rent-free in a mansion complete with a beekeeping operation. There's a team of personal chefs that will make you a hot dog whenever you want. There's even a room in the basement used exclusively for making chocolate sculptures. And for the past four years, there's been a red button in the Oval Office that, despite its ominous appearance, wasn't meant for launching nukes. No, the "Big Red Button" that sat upon the Resolute Desk from 2017-2021 had but a single purpose: to summon a butler to bring the president an ice-cold Diet Coke. That creation of that button was one of the only Trump-era initiatives I fully supported, but, like so many of 45's policies, President Biden has reversed it.

Trump's excessive thirst for Diet Coke is well documented. In 2017, The New York Times reported the (now former) president drank a dozen a day, though the article did not specify the average serving size, or whether Trump enjoyed sipping his soda from a glass, a can, or a 20-ounce plastic bottle. (It did mention that at dinnertime, those Diet Cokes were usually paired with well-done steak, salad with blue cheese dressing and bacon, gravy, and large slices of cake or pie with extra ice cream.)

As of yet, there's been no word as to how exactly President Biden will be able to get his favorite beverage, Orange Gatorade, now that the button has been removed. Perhaps he'll get a robot.