Can I Wash My Hair With Dr. Bronner's New Vegan Chocolate Bar?

Forget Uncle John's Bathroom Reader: a bottle of Dr. Bronner's Magic Pure-Castile Liquid Soap will sustain me through even the most arduous of restroom excursions. You know the soap I'm talking about. It's in a brightly-colored bottle, and it's wrapped in a label featuring tiny, tiny text with truly baffling messages such as:

  • "In all we do, let us be generous, fair & loving to Spaceship Earth and all its inhabitants. For we're All-One or None!"
  • "Conditions will improve when we improve if you and I cooperate by full truth to accomplish them!"
  • "Listen Children Eternal Father Eternally One! Exceptions? None!"
  • I mean, what's better than that? Dr. Bronner is the James Joyce of the toiletries industry—and now, the soap company will release Dr. Bronner's Magic All-One Chocolate, as reported by VegNews.

    The vegan chocolate candy bar line will appear at retailers nationwide starting August 1, made with fair-trade chocolate and available in six flavors including Roasted Whole Hazelnuts, Crunchy Hazelnut Butter, and Smooth Coconut Praline. The new bars reportedly contain 70% dark chocolate, which is sourced from "regenerative organic cocoa beans" grown by the very same farmers in eastern Ghana who supply the organic and fair-trade palm oil Dr. Bronner's uses for its soaps.

    The vegan, fair-trade chocolate is a logical next step for Dr. Bronner's, an eco-focused company that, according to the brand's website, regularly donates profits to environmental charities. My only question: how the heck are they gonna fit all those tiny, baffling soap label messages onto a chocolate bar wrapper?