The Food That Didn't Get Eaten On The Bachelorette, Week 5: At Long Last, COLD COCONUTS

The nation—nay, the world—has breathed a collective sigh of relief. Could it be that the worst is behind us? Is that faint gleaming at the end of the tunnel an optical illusion, or might it be light? This writer, at least, has hope, for it seems that at long last, there's some food on The Bachelorette.

This episode still sucks, though. It's almost as if squeezing two seasons into one—resulting in essentially two season premieres, a teeny tiny mid-season "After The Final Rose," and repetition in the "dates" that's even more blatant than usual—might not totally work as a creative choice for one of the most repetitive franchises in entertainment. More introductions, hurrah. More generically handsome bros with oddly hilarious job titles, hurrah. More flimsy excuses for shirtlessness, and somehow decreasing odds of actually learning everyone's names. Yet there's an undeniable upside, in that the show can now actually move forward. How strange, to feel so relieved and so bored all at once.

And yes, there's food. So let's once again pay a visit to the La Quinta Econo Lodge And Community Spa, and get to it.

Did The Bachelorette actually eat food this week?

I mean, it's certainly possible, but the outlook is not so good.


So this episode is, as mentioned above, basically a finale and premiere in one, but without either being particularly satisfying (and it's not as if the end-of-season interviews are all that scintillating, give or take a Barb.) Given that the last premiere was just a few weeks ago and most of the dudes have already done the flashy introduction thing, the premiere part of the proceedings is even more dull. So Clare and Dale get interviewed, Tayshia meets the Here-For-Clare dudes (or HFCs), everyone drinks booze, and four more dudes show up (we'll call them the Here-For-Tayshia contingent, or the HFTs.) That's it. That's the deal.


Clare and Dale are still together and still insisting that they didn't talk before the show and are super-duper in love; Tayshia is nervous about being the Bachelorette for a bunch of guys who just got "dumped" by someone else. That's the deal. And really, that's almost the whole episode.

Oh, one more thing: The therapy-date guy leaves because he's bored out of his skull he still has feelings for Clare. There. You're caught up.

What didn’t The Bachelorette eat this week?

A parade of bizarre offerings offered up by a sweating, out-of-breath Chris Harrison.

Margaritas, empty waffle cones, and COLD COCONUTS!!!

So for her first one-on-one date, Tayshia heads out with Brendan, a turtleneck-wearing commercial roofer who, like Tayshia herself, got married and divorced at a young age. But since they're all still confined to the wonderland that is the La Quinta Scenic Parking Lot And Comfort Hotel, the "date" just involves the two of them riding horses through the hotel while—and I want to stress that this is not a joke—Chris Harrison feverishly rides a scooter between several locations at the hotel to offer the pair some treats. Seriously.


The first thing he offers them is margaritas. Do they drink them? Probably, but who knows. Next: the waffle cones, which, as noted above, do not appear to contain any ice cream. Where do the margaritas go? Probably to the same place the ice cream went.

Did they forget to add them in post? What the hell? And then the crown jewel, as announced by a bellowing Harrison: COLD COCONUTS!

Then they went and made out in a pool for awhile—if that sounds and/or looks familiar, it's because Clare did that two weeks ago—and then went to dinner. It was sort of hilarious but also very dull. Next!


I've been at this game for a while now, and I could not possibly tell you what that food on the plate is supposed to be. Brendan's looks like a potato with Spaghetti-Os coming out of it nestled on a bed of deflated black and yellow balloons. Tayshia's appears to be a pale sesame seed bun with some relish on top balanced on a carrot. These dishes are very confusing, and thus much more interesting than Tayshia's date. In summary: Brendan, heart eyes emoji. Next.


Hamburgers and hot dogs, in theory

The group date this week sees the rest of the muscled masses playing basketball in a pool whilst wearing speedos. One of the new guys seems like kind of a dick. The winning team gets "time with Tayshia," which was meant to consist of a barbecue complete with hamburgers and hot dogs. It must have been scintillating, because they included literally none of the footage. At the subsequent foodless cocktail party, the crowd of not-Brendans all make eyes at Tayshia. Next.


Oh, wait. That's it. Tayshia is probably going to be a great Bachelorette—as stated in earlier recaps, she loves mess—but this episode ain't quite the thing.

Who most deserves a plate full of macaroni and cheese or a huge piece of cake or something?

Okay, so Bennett is great TV, and I'm very happy he's getting the Demi "I just comment on things because I'm clearly not going to win and that's okay, I'm good television, see you in Paradise" edit. But did he have to go in on this poor guy's mustache? It's 2020! We're all embracing our eccentricities! I bought rollerskates and have been embroidering curse words and I watched 12 seasons of Murder, She Wrote, to say nothing of dyeing my hair pink, buying a bonnet to make TikToks about Pride & Prejudice, and killing no less than six plants. Let the man trim his 'stache in peace. He'll be gone soon anyway. See you next week.