Auntie Anne's "Recline-To-Dine" Chair Is A Throne Of Lies

For the past few months, I've been having a hell of a time getting anything done. How can I be productive if I have this one little thing in my brain that I cannot get out? And that one little thing... is a soft pretzel. I'm sure many of you can relate to this, which is why I'm happy to report that pretzel purveyor Auntie Anne's has built what it's calling the "Recline-To-Dine" Chair, which is capable of ordering hot pretzels to be delivered to your doorstep with just the pull of a lever. Now I can order a soft pretzel, satisfy my distracting cravings, and be super productive. Look out for me!

I don't actually own the magical pretzel recliner, and according to this press release from Auntie Anne's, I'm not sure if I—or anyone—will ever be able to experience firsthand the joys of ordering from this motion-sensor-equipped talking chair (oh yeah, it also talks). It seems the point of Auntie Anne's investing what I assume was billions of dollars into advanced recliner technology was just a clever ploy to get people excited about the fact that the company has also developed a mobile ordering app, and is now offering curbside delivery. In the press release, company president Heather Neary said the point of all this hullabaloo is to "truly celebrate [the new contactless mobile ordering and pickup options] by developing a fun and unique way for fans to fulfill their pretzel cravings." If you're going to celebrate with a talking pretzel chair, Auntie Anne, you best be bringing enough to share with the whole class.

To dull the pain of this deception, Auntie Anne's is also celebrating its mobile ordering platform/curbside delivery/recliner innovations with a sweepstakes. One lucky winner will score a year's worth of free pretzels, $1,200 to purchase their very own dream recliner, one year of streaming services, and a "Kick Back care package" including a blanket, pillow, and pretzel-inspired socks; 24 runner-ups will get a $25 gift card and a bunch of Auntie Anne's swag. It's no futuristic talking chair, but when you remember that this is supposed to be about pretzels and not sitting on tufted technology, it does seem like the kind of joy we could all use in our lives right now.