The Truth Is Out There, And So Is Arby's

Tomorrow, thousands—potentially millions of people will be gathering in the Nevada desert to storm the gates of the mythical, top-secret government facility known as Area 51. We have long known that this is where the United States government has been imprisoning the aliens that crash landed in Roswell, New Mexico back in 1947, as well as developing top secret military weaponry based on their extraterrestrial technology. The government continues to maintain that the incident was nothing more than the crash landing of a high-altitude weather balloon, but that "story" has since been debunked by the movie Independence Day. It has also been thoroughly investigated by the History Channel's documentary program Ancient Aliens, so, yeah, it's legit.

As has been the case often of late, this entire thing began as a joke but then ended up going way too far. An event called Storm Area 51, They Can't Stop All of Us appeared on Facebook this past summer, postulating that if enough people showed up and ran towards the gates, there was no way they could be stopped by the U.S. military. Over two million brave and women volunteered for this mission, and once they're done liberating the aliens—who have got to be in their mid- to late- nineties by now—they're going to need to party. And party they will... with Arby's.

Arby's will be parking its Roadside Meathouse food truck in the Storm Area 51 Basecamp which, in addition to providing campsites and restroom facilities, will host a two-day rager featuring music; art; panels with UFO experts and retired military personnel, former Newsradio star Dave Foley; plus the debut of four new "previously-classified" Arby's items:

  • The Redacted on Rye Sandwich: roasted turkey on a toasted marble rye bread with Swiss cheese, tangy slaw and thousand island dressing
  • The E.T. Slider: a crispy chicken tender dipped in Bronco Berry Sauce
  • Arby's Frying Objects: loaded curly fries topped with savory moon rocks
  • Galaxy Shake: a blue sweet milkshake base that turns pink and tarter as you drink or stir it, topped with a fruit crunch
  • There is no word on whether these will ever be released to the general public, or if it will only be available to those attending, as advertised on the event website: "a once-in-a-generation opportunity for the global public to learn more about the truth behind the UFO secrecy."

    This essentially is going to be Burning Man, but with aliens, outside of a government facility, and sponsored by Arby's. I'm furious I'm not going. Instead, I'll be spending the weekend listening to this song while staring at this gif: