America: Hold The Onions, Please

Uber Eats has released its first-ever "Cravings Report," one of those silly collections of mostly meaningless statistics and quirky anecdotes that nevertheless contain a few nuggets of real information. That's not a dig, we love quirky anecdotes and mostly meaningless statistics, but we're going to begin with a piece of actually interesting data: We, as a people, aren't big on onions.

To be specific, the number-one "order request" (basically, the notes we include to say "extra veggies" or "no mayo" or whatever) is "no onions," and I'm not sure how anyone who orders "no onions" is even the same species as me. I just had a biscuit and some fruit for breakfast and would gladly have added onions to either if possible. (It's not weird, you're weird.) Here's the rest of that special-requests list, with some brief thoughts:

  1. No onions
  2. Extra sauce (yes, good one)
  3. No tomatoes (boo)
  4. No cheese (BOO)
  5. Spicy (encouraging!)
  6. Extra cheese (NOT BOO)
  7. Extra ranch (seems about right)
  8. Dressing on the side (totally wise, adding dressing before delivery is a dicey proposition)
  9. No sour cream (Will take your extra sour cream whenever, just let me know)
  10. Ketchup

Just "ketchup"? Maybe with fries?

That's not all to be found in the "Cravings Report," which includes a list of surprising food-request combos, including "shake + side of ranch," "pizza + nuts," and "apple + mustard." There's also a long list of extra-special requests, which includes gems like the person who wanted a Valentine's doughnut delivery to arrive with a side of "Africa" by Toto, a request to "send all sandwich parts separately" for at-home assembly (maybe order groceries instead?), and this poet:


You can read the whole thing here. Or rather, "You can READ IT YOU CAN READ IT You can READ IT you can READ IT You Can READ IT EXTRA NOODLES."