A Train Ride With Mary Berry Through The English Countryside? Oh, If You Insist

The phrase "take my money" gets trotted out far too often, and I'm as guilty of its overuse as any. I can admit that now, because until this moment, I never said it with quite this level of urgency. You can have tea on a vintage train through the English countryside, a luxurious affair hosted by Mary freakin' Berry. Here you go:


For this magical event, offered by Belmond travel company, I would gladly empty my bank account. This May, people willing to shell out the dough for the train ride, the airfare, and the perfect "holy shit I'm about to meet Mary Berry" outfit can climb about a restored British Pullman train and live their best life.


The elegant art-deco train will depart from Victoria Station and wind through Greater London and the Weald of Kent in southeastern Britain, taking in all that gorgeous English verdure on a four-hour ride. While aboard, you'll "sit back in your sumptuous chair" to enjoy an "indulgent spread" of Mary Berry's most beloved cakes and treats, along with tea and coffee, and a glass of English sparkling wine (Scrummy!) All the while, you'll take in all the "handcrafted marquetry, gleaming crystal, and silken lampshades" that surround you, as one does.

And oh yes, the woman, the myth, the legend, celebrated author and Great British Baking Show alumnus Mary Berry will be aboard. They day begins with a meet-and-greet at the station, and ends with a "surprise gift" from Berry, which I have to assume is friendship bracelets, right? We're going to have matching friendship bracelets? That's what's going to happen?


Anyway, if you're filthy rich and also shouted "take my money" when you got a glimpse of that headline, fares begin at £300 (around $392 American dollars) and rides will depart on May 3 and 4 (sorry, 3 and 4 May). So, anybody want to lend me $392 and a bunch of airline miles?