A Thorough List Of Foods Paul Ryan Will And Won't Enjoy In His Retirement

This is a dark time, so when one finds a reason to celebrate, one should seize the fuckin' day. That's what led me to spend some time this morning falling into an internet research wormhole, because if Paul Ryan has decided to GTFO, then gosh darn it, I'm going to toast that asshole's exit. A quick Google session revealed a small treasure trove of Ryan's food preferences, so if you'll indulge me, we'll explore some of them. Since Paul Ryan indulges in basically nothing but being a terrible fitness model, indulgence alone is a great place to start.

Below, some culinary options with which to celebrate the announced retirement of the thumb-faced Speaker of the House.

• In an eyeroll-inducing 2016 interview with People Babies, Ryan summed up the no-sweets, no-processed-foods diet he imposes on his family thusly: "If it wasn't a food 100 years ago, we don't buy it or eat it." This totally reasonable stance is consistent with his views on legal abortion and voting rights, so Cheetos and Lucky Charms for everyone!
• Also according to People, his kids love sour gummy worms. Paul Ryan thinks they are "just disgusting." As usual, Paul Ryan is fucking wrong. Let's eat some gummy worms.
• Also per People, Paul Ryan used to bribe his kids to be "a little more aggressive" in basketball by promising them Dairy Queen shakes. But dig this: "Now they're actually starting to score more frequently, so I took that deal off the table." Blizzards for all, because Paul Ryan is an asshole.
• Former Representative Tom Price told The Atlantic that Ryan got him to "start eating Greek yogurt... and granola and the like," hilariously adding, "So he's very influential." No word on whether or not Price ate such nutritious breakfasts on his fancy taxpayer-funded flights. Eat, I don't know, something dripping with hollandaise in his dubious honor.
• A source told CBS News that Ryan's favorite beverage is iced tea, which seems just about right. He also, reportedly, enjoys the occasional Miller Lite, because even when Paul Ryan treats himself he's both boring and unable to stop straight-up pandering. As tribute to that turd pretending to like Miller Lite, pour yourself a much better beer.
• Despite being a human saltine, Paul Ryan does at least have a weakness for smoked meats. Yet he even manages to make undeniably delicious stuff sound deeply lame. Also from People: "I could be at Ace Hardware, you know, getting paint, and I can change the temperature of my meat with the app on my phone!" Paul Ryan may have helped get us into this mess, but I won't let him ruin smoked meats for me. Get out your phone and smoke yourself some meat.

I should walk something back, actually. That comparison is acutely unfair to saltines. Fuck Paul Ryan, saltines for everyone!