The Food That Didn't Get Eaten On The Bachelor, Week 9: YOU'RE A DERMATOLOGIST

ABC
By  Allison Shoemaker

We're nearing the end of Peter's season of The Bachelor, which means it's time for the Women Tell All. That means no piles of rice. No green substances. No conveniently placed "street vendors" "selling" "food" that just so happen to be frequented by a local couple who've been married for 40 years. The only food is chaos, and last night the women ate well indeed.

And me, your trusty food-centric Bachelor reviewer? Well, I would say I am at something of a loss, but that's not true. It's just going to be a stretch to find ways to talk about eating. But if Tammy can contort the truth to the point that she can claim she never said Kelsey was an alcoholic—a thing we all saw happen on national television—then I can surely figure out how to twist these two hours of yelling into food-related commentary!

But first, the few times food (or a beverage) was spotted on this week's episode of The Bachelor.

Did The Bachelor actually eat food this week?

No, he did not. This whole episode is basically the end of last week's episode followed by two fluff segments, two uneventful interviews, and 80 minutes of women who already got burned by being assholes on TV deciding to be assholes on TV again.

Doughnuts, popcorn, and a dessert replica of the windmill of sin

/ABC

So, for those of you who don't actually watch the show and just read these recaps—I know you're there! Thanks!—I should mention that the format of the Women Tell All episode (which gets used every season) is very different from the rest of the season. Basically, we got the last pre-finale rose ceremony, in which Victoria's manipulative ass got sent home, and then a bunch of individual reunion segments. The women (though not all of them, with a few notable omissions) came out and yelled a lot. More on that below. A couple of them got interviewed directly. There were some jokey bits, and Peter came out on stage and got only the teensiest bit yelled at. And there were "fun" segments, like a blooper reel and some footage of Peter, his parents, and Chris Harrison crashing Bachelor viewing parties. I tell you what, those theme parties are not fucking around. There were tons of snacks, including the Rice Krispie Treat windmill above complete with tiny plane (did you know he's a pilot?) and those cookies with Chris Harrison's face on them. There were also doughnuts and fruit and vegetables and chips and dips fresh bread and all kinds of things you can glimpse in the GIF below, between the flying kernels of popcorn:

/ABC

Anyway, Peter didn't get snacks, but the producers seem to have asked his parents to pretend like they were messing around in the backseat of an SUV, so he got that.

A lonely wedge of a citrus fruit and two pens

/ABC

I assume the wedge (clementine? tangerine?) was for little buddy there and not for Peter. The pens, though, I cannot explain. This moment happened shortly after Peter asked that little critter up there what he should do about the many women he's dating, a one-sided conversation interrupted by mysterious noises in the distance. After that, they showed his low-key terror at being approached by a blurry-faced older man while recording a segment for the show. Peter, you are getting spooked by the wrong things, my man. And you should really get that vitamin C.

An extremely large bottle of champagne

/ABC

There is, however, one person who came out of that mess looking great, and it is Kelsey. Normally I'd say that her great edit, which concludes with the gift of the above giant bottle of champagne, indicates that she's likely to be the next Bachelorette, but they announced the new Bachelorette earlier today and it's a 38-year-old woman from several seasons ago. An actual adult! Like a grown woman!

Sorry, Kelsey, but you still made out like a bandit this week. Nearly all of the episode's best moments (non-campy/chaotic variety) belonged to her. She owned up to some of her slightly shitty behavior, swiftly and directly articulated exactly why that accusation of alcoholism (sorry, alcoholic tendencies) was so messed up, pointed out that addiction is a disease and shaming people who struggle with substance abuse issues is deeply shitty, underlined that people of all genders should be able to express their emotions, and somehow managed to stand up for herself, push back at the bullshit, be sharp and funny, and come out looking self-aware and even a little bit funny. And then she got a giant bottle of champs. Well done, Kelsey. See you in Paradise.

There was also champagne at the rose ceremony, at the parties, all over Peter's butt thanks to a spill captured in the bloopers, and in the hands of this hero:

/ABC

Disdain

/ABC

If you are a woman who actually spoke during this segment—and there were five or six of them who never said a word, at least not in the final edit—then odds are you yelled just a little bit. You know how the Dementors in the Harry Potter books feed on dark emotions? I bet they'd have loved this studio, because everyone was just a miserable asshole.

But at least a few of them had fun with it. Among the night's most pointed barbs were Kiarra, a nanny, saying she recognized "childish behavior" in Mykenna; pretty much all of Kelsey's rebuttal to Tammy; and this glorious if somewhat confusing declaration in the middle of the pill-popping discussion:

Victoria P: "I'm a nurse—"

Someone, probably Savannah: YOU'RE A DERMATOLOGIST!

Being a dermatologist is a valuable thing. It's a profession that takes a lot of skill. So is being a nurse. But what matters here is not what was said, nor what Victoria's actual profession might be, but the exhausted yet almost gleeful disdain with which it was uttered at top volume. I watched it thrice.

Whatever this evil genius is consuming that allows her to avoid all questioning

/ABC

This young lady was once again asked directly about a) whether or not she knew Alayah before filming and b) if she's the person who started the whole pill-popping thing, and somehow she still didn't even sort of approach either. Like she said some words and then everyone started shouting, both times, and then the show moved on. Evil genius. Legendary villain. Expert fake-crying at the end there, but as an expert on fake-crying, I can promise you it was fake. I wish I could remember who the hell Savannah is, but whoever she might be, she is in fact correct about all that fakeness.

Rachel Weisz, Florence Pugh, and David Harbour in the trailer for Black Widow

/ABC

A great day to be bisexual. (Listen, there's no food in this episode and it's mostly just women shouting at each other followed by an admittedly effective but ever so slightly hypocritical segment about internet bullying and cruelty; just give me this one.)

Inevitability

/ABC

Some inevitable things:

  • Victoria not getting a rose.
  • Victoria being asked about the accusation that her actions have resulted in the dissolution of "multiple marriages."
  • Victoria denying that she has done any such thing and suggesting that blurry-faced Marissa was just talking shit so she could get on the show.
  • Victoria not being asked about her past modeling campaign that used the phrase "white lives matter."
  • Victoria doing that thing where you apologize for being an asshole, and then add, "You almost never deserved it."
  • Everyone talking about Victoria and Peter's "passionate" relationship instead of their "profoundly dysfunctional" relationship.
  • Victoria's top-notch false eyelashes.

The satisfaction of knowing you’re better off missing this mess

Chris Harrison’s ironclad belief that we, the viewing public, just fuckin’ love bloopers

/ABC

Just once, I want to love something as purely as Chris Harrison assumes we all love bloopers.

Who most deserves a plate full of macaroni and cheese or a huge piece of cake or something?

Listen, Peter has made a lot of mistakes this season, but just look at the guy. Somebody get him a snack, ASAP.

Recommended