National Chicken Council, Shouting Into Void, Petitions Government For Federal Wings Holiday

This week, the National Chicken Council (NCC) released its annual Chicken Wing Report. In it, the NCC projects—through science and/or magic, it's unclear which—that Americans will consume 1.38 billion wings during the Super Bowl on February 3. You might say we'll be gobbling them up, har har, someone please put me out of my misery.

To celebrate (?) this fact (?), the NCC is "petitioning President Trump and Congress to declare the Monday after the Super Bowl a federal holiday: 'National Chicken Wing Appreciation Day.'" We can't get them to make Election Day a federal holiday, but sure, wings. We assume this was not always meant to be a futile act. Surely, when the marketing and PR departments of the good ol' NCC sat down to plan their sweet Super Bowl-related push, they were not expecting the country to be on day 34 of the longest government shutdown in American history.

But here's a thought: Has anyone told our elected officials that there's a petition for a National Chicken Wing holiday? Maybe they'll care about that. Quick, somebody tell Commerce Secretary Wilbur Ross about Chicken Wing Day. I doubt he goes in for wings most of the time—doesn't seem like the type to dally with finger foods, that's for peasants—but surely he occasionally partakes of the Buffalo sauce. He might not care about furloughed government workers going to food banks just to feed their families, but he might care about wings.

"Whether you're a fan of the left wing or the right wing, there's no debate – or controversial missed calls – about America's favorite Super Bowl food," said National Chicken Council spokesperson Tom Super.

We're doomed. If you want to sign the petition for this holiday, it's here. It could work. (It couldn't.)