Fat Man Tells Nation To Get Off Its Ass

President Donald Trump—lover of Big Macs, pink Starburst, and Diet Coke—marked Sports And Fitness Day at the White House on Wednesday with a message urging Americans to get fit.

Unlike Michelle Obama's kids' fitness campaign that saw her actually participating in physical activity and demonstrating that she's set foot inside a gym before, Trump mostly remained a wallflower while kids played flag football, baseball, golf, volleyball, and soccer. (He did, to his very small credit, take a few swings in a batting cage while wearing a suit.) The Washington Post describes Trump as "perhaps the most sedentary, least healthy president in recent history."

Not only does Trump eschew the public athletic displays of past presidents—unless you count walking from the 12th hole to the golf cart—he has made statements indicating he is skeptical of exercise because it could use up the body's supply of energy. That's energy that could be used for typing out tweet storms or grabbing women by the pussy, mind you.

So while Trump stood idly by, watching all that physical fitness happen around him, he'd like to remind America that uh, fitness is important. The most important. The best thing, no really. It's a great deal, phenomenal. Huge fan of fitness.

There was one upshot to Trump's bystander role at yesterday's festivities though: We didn't have to see him in those tennis shorts again.